This week has been a scary, steady heart beat. So close to flat-line, yet blipping every second or so to let me know I'm still okay. I had fun with new friends on Monday. After work at my early morning job, we went to Town Center, had lunch and then went to one of the groups houses where Bailey and I played pool for hours. I lost about four times and won once. It was super fun. I had looked forward to that day because of someone who was going to be there. I was so excited to see him that I could hardly sleep the night before! But when the time came, I basically ignored him. This seems to be my coping mechanism with guys I have crushes on. But this one is different then just a crush. I've only felt this twice before in my life. Sounds whorish I know, but I think that a person can have a special connection more than once. It just shows that that person to which you are drawn has something that your One True Love will have. I think that everyone has been drawn this way to more than one person in their life time. They just won't admit it. I have been truly drawn to only two people in my life. One was when I was very young. About ten I think. Yes, I think it can happen at that young of an age. Next was last semester with that whole Parnell episode.
I thought about him the other day when I was showing Elise how he had blocked me from his facebook. I logged in with my ex's facebook and saw his pictures. My heart hurt all over again as I looked at him. I knew then, that that connection hadn't died. It's the same I feel when I look at the first boy I had that feeling for. He's married now, but still the echo sounds in my core.
Any way, my defense mechanism is to NOT talk to the guy I like. But, oh, how I want to! However, the same red flags are coming up with as did with my ex. Things about this new boy remind me of him. Things about this new boy make me question him since they relate to my ex. I'v being drawn to the same type of boy. And for the record, I did not feel The Connection with my ex. Ever. I just loved him. But I know--and knew then too--that it was not true love. I may have thought it was at certain times, but not for the entirety of our relationship. I just know. There were things about him that showed me. And my heart spoke loud and clear. So I am wary of this new boy. But how I like him! I am having to cling to my God all the more as my heart flutters and dances at the mere thought of this boy. But this is all beside the point!
The journey...
I hate my job at the mall. I have been sexually harassed by my manager there, he has lied to me, he and the assistant manager gang up on me, they are rude and mean to me (they have laughingly admitted to this) and they criticize everything I say. They have never spoken one kind or friendly word to me. I've told you about them before. To escape them, I applied for a job at UH's writing center. After preparing an entire week with essay editing and worry, I climbed into my car with google maps papers clutched in my hands to brave the horrid journey to downtown Houston in the middle of the afternoon. The hour drive was fine up until I got lost. It's unavoidable. I was in a place I had never been and no one could help me. I called a few places but had to leave voice mails. After going back and forth for 15 minutes, I find the UH campus. Then I have to find the building that I'm looking for. Turns out I have to park far far away and walk there. So I do. When I get to the interview, I suddenly get this feeling. "You're not a UH student yet. You're not going to get the job." I ignore the feeling I've had for weeks that is screaming at me now and proceed into the room. I meet someone named Ben and the Asian lady who had been sending me emails. I see they have the copies of my essay and resume in hand. We sit and she says, "When will you be graduating?" I tell her, "I hope in 2013," with perfect confidence. "Are you not a student here?" she asks for some reason. "No..." my brain says, my mouth following suit. The rest of the short conversation is all a blur. I stood up and left before I knew it. I didn't get it. I wasn't a UH student yet. I was trapped at my other job.
The sun had decided to come out now simply to burn my as I walked back to my car all the way on the other side of the campus. I get there to a surprise. What's the one thing that happens in the movies to make a characters day worse when they reach their car? A parking ticket. A disgusting, fat, yellow parking ticket. For fifty dollars no less!
My strength is gone, my hopes drowned and my mind is not even my own any more as I get in the car and drive the now hour and half drive back to my house.
So here I am. Sitting with fear on the edge of change as I wish I could have escaped a wretched job. God is showing me something. I just don't know what. He gives me this boy. Why? He puts me through this wretched journey to nothing. Why? God, what are you doing to my heart?
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Chapter 26: The Lucky Ones
I have fantasized--with good reason--for years that I was a maiden here on earth with a curse upon her. My curse: To bad luck to others and to be alone and miserable. I always thought that it was God's way of making sport. "Let me see how miserable I can make this one mortal, human, girl!" No, I did want this to be another sad, moping, ranting post...I had a nice long, happy one planned out but I never write those ideas down so they never make it on here. I've decided that during the day I need to write down the things I want to write about so I don't forget them and so that way a happy post WILL make it on here! Those happy-posts seem to be an endangered species. I will fix that though. I need to show some joy every once in a while.
Well, to day at work just sucked as usual. I don't even need to go into details at this point, I don't think. But mostly what I thought about while text-counciling one of my friends and thinking about how how two people I know just had sex with each other, I thought "Parents always say their kids are lucky to have such good, caring parents". You know you've heard it. But as I was thinking of the girl I know who gave herself to a guy and my poor mixed up friend, I thought "No, my parents are lucky to have such a good kid as me". It's true. Every kid, college, high school and below, are having sex, doing drugs, drinking alcohol and getting into so much worse trouble. I see this every day. In almost every kid. I am not exaggeration in the least. I know I can try harder, any one always can, but my parents need a reality check. If they knew half of what I have to deal with every day (emotions, money, people, jobs, school...) and half of what I see every day, then they would be a lot different.
There is so much crap out there in the world, I cannot even begin to describe in a blog post. So I won't. Yes, my parents and I had a spat tonight...again. But I am trying to be mature about it, learn something, see it their way and get on with life. But after a horrid day, it's really hard. It really really is. I'm going to spend a bit of time with the Creator tonight and ask Him to comfort me. He's the only one who can handle to listen to me rant, scream and cry for hours. And so I will. I'm reading Hosea and it's proving to be a wonderful, yet slow, read. I am praying for wisdom and peace and may you find it as well. Good night.
Well, to day at work just sucked as usual. I don't even need to go into details at this point, I don't think. But mostly what I thought about while text-counciling one of my friends and thinking about how how two people I know just had sex with each other, I thought "Parents always say their kids are lucky to have such good, caring parents". You know you've heard it. But as I was thinking of the girl I know who gave herself to a guy and my poor mixed up friend, I thought "No, my parents are lucky to have such a good kid as me". It's true. Every kid, college, high school and below, are having sex, doing drugs, drinking alcohol and getting into so much worse trouble. I see this every day. In almost every kid. I am not exaggeration in the least. I know I can try harder, any one always can, but my parents need a reality check. If they knew half of what I have to deal with every day (emotions, money, people, jobs, school...) and half of what I see every day, then they would be a lot different.
There is so much crap out there in the world, I cannot even begin to describe in a blog post. So I won't. Yes, my parents and I had a spat tonight...again. But I am trying to be mature about it, learn something, see it their way and get on with life. But after a horrid day, it's really hard. It really really is. I'm going to spend a bit of time with the Creator tonight and ask Him to comfort me. He's the only one who can handle to listen to me rant, scream and cry for hours. And so I will. I'm reading Hosea and it's proving to be a wonderful, yet slow, read. I am praying for wisdom and peace and may you find it as well. Good night.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Chapter 25: Ramblings of a Reptile
Alright, so I'm not a reptile, but I do have a migraine and I am super tired after this week. I worked every day this week (and tomorrow) at my 2nd job which requires me to be up at 6:30am at the latest and on my feet till 11:30am after which I go to my other job to work. It's very tiring when you throw in finals and studying and trying to keep up with being in shape. There just don't seem to be enough hours in the day.
Any way, what I wanted this to be about mostly was something I discovered about my family. But I do have to mention that the people at my other job (the one that is always annoying) are being very rude and mean again. They keep saying that I have didn't give sufficient notice of needing to get off work early on Sunday. I guess a month in advance isn't sufficient. Who knew? So I got another talking to at work today and I don't know what to do any more. Mom gave me a big speech about how I need to quit that job and find something else that's not retail. Well, sorry, but someone with just a high school diploma can't do much these days. I need that job for the money. I have to save up for college. I'm 21 so I REALLY have to. But even I am beginning to wonder if the daily verbal, emotion and personal beatings are worth it. Yes, they bash me personally. "You're stupid", "You're such a know-it-all", "What a bitch", "You need to get to work" (while THEY are on facebook...) "You look stupid today", "Your music is dumb"..."Christians are stupid people". It never ends. All of these things I've said I remember because they have been said more than once and so I remember. But that's not the half of it.
But I don't want to talk them any more. So on to what I discovered about my family.
Families can be close or they can fight. It's always one or the other in real life. Sometimes they have fights (it's different then 'families who fight' meaning all the time). Why do families fight? I am sure that question has been asked over the course of millions of years. For my family, I have found the answer: We are too awkward around each other to do anything else. You want to know a secret about my family? One, there is no "I love you" exchanged between siblings. Only recently, and over facebook mind you, have my sister and started saying that to each other. Two, when we want to complain to each others faces but not quite to start a fight, we use sarcasm. Three, we cannot touch each other. We hate to sit by or snuggle with each other. Four, we hate showing appreciation, compliments or gratitude with one another.
That's the basics and it's the truth. We can't get comfy and beyond the "awkward" stage so we have to fight. We just do. We have to. I know it doesn't make sense to you, but if you are in the same situation, then you understand or you will now. Families shouldn't be awkward with each other. They should be like the fake families in the movies where the kids bond together against the bad guys and win and love each other. Oh, all that one, two, three stuff I mentioned is not just between siblings, it's parents too, except for the "I love yous", which parents are good at, but don't always mean. So yes, my family is too awkward to love and get along with each other. We need to overcome that though...and soon.
I wish I could just tell you my stories on here. Like the whole "when I was growing up..." kind of thing, but that must be reserved for the proper time...which has not seemed to have shown itself yet. I don't have much to tell. But that's why I'm trying this new exercise! I am forcing myself to find myself interesting by vlogging (not on the web though) and by posting on here AT LEAST once a week. I want to post a poem on here though later tomorrow if I can though. Meaning, if I remember.
I have my lab final tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about it though since I have a 77 in the class. Which sucks. I'm usually an A student, but clearly science is NOT my thing. I did some extra credit so I hope to get a B and up my sad GPA from last semester. This school has destroyed my GPA. I think Texas is destroying me, what with this horrid job, no friends, a disconnected spiritual life and a college that is killing my GPA (I know, jerks, it's not just the college). I'm not sure what to do, but that's where my warrior persona comes in; I will fight this fight and I will rise out of the rubble as the victor. So take that!
Any way, what I wanted this to be about mostly was something I discovered about my family. But I do have to mention that the people at my other job (the one that is always annoying) are being very rude and mean again. They keep saying that I have didn't give sufficient notice of needing to get off work early on Sunday. I guess a month in advance isn't sufficient. Who knew? So I got another talking to at work today and I don't know what to do any more. Mom gave me a big speech about how I need to quit that job and find something else that's not retail. Well, sorry, but someone with just a high school diploma can't do much these days. I need that job for the money. I have to save up for college. I'm 21 so I REALLY have to. But even I am beginning to wonder if the daily verbal, emotion and personal beatings are worth it. Yes, they bash me personally. "You're stupid", "You're such a know-it-all", "What a bitch", "You need to get to work" (while THEY are on facebook...) "You look stupid today", "Your music is dumb"..."Christians are stupid people". It never ends. All of these things I've said I remember because they have been said more than once and so I remember. But that's not the half of it.
But I don't want to talk them any more. So on to what I discovered about my family.
Families can be close or they can fight. It's always one or the other in real life. Sometimes they have fights (it's different then 'families who fight' meaning all the time). Why do families fight? I am sure that question has been asked over the course of millions of years. For my family, I have found the answer: We are too awkward around each other to do anything else. You want to know a secret about my family? One, there is no "I love you" exchanged between siblings. Only recently, and over facebook mind you, have my sister and started saying that to each other. Two, when we want to complain to each others faces but not quite to start a fight, we use sarcasm. Three, we cannot touch each other. We hate to sit by or snuggle with each other. Four, we hate showing appreciation, compliments or gratitude with one another.
That's the basics and it's the truth. We can't get comfy and beyond the "awkward" stage so we have to fight. We just do. We have to. I know it doesn't make sense to you, but if you are in the same situation, then you understand or you will now. Families shouldn't be awkward with each other. They should be like the fake families in the movies where the kids bond together against the bad guys and win and love each other. Oh, all that one, two, three stuff I mentioned is not just between siblings, it's parents too, except for the "I love yous", which parents are good at, but don't always mean. So yes, my family is too awkward to love and get along with each other. We need to overcome that though...and soon.
I wish I could just tell you my stories on here. Like the whole "when I was growing up..." kind of thing, but that must be reserved for the proper time...which has not seemed to have shown itself yet. I don't have much to tell. But that's why I'm trying this new exercise! I am forcing myself to find myself interesting by vlogging (not on the web though) and by posting on here AT LEAST once a week. I want to post a poem on here though later tomorrow if I can though. Meaning, if I remember.
I have my lab final tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about it though since I have a 77 in the class. Which sucks. I'm usually an A student, but clearly science is NOT my thing. I did some extra credit so I hope to get a B and up my sad GPA from last semester. This school has destroyed my GPA. I think Texas is destroying me, what with this horrid job, no friends, a disconnected spiritual life and a college that is killing my GPA (I know, jerks, it's not just the college). I'm not sure what to do, but that's where my warrior persona comes in; I will fight this fight and I will rise out of the rubble as the victor. So take that!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Chapter 24: To Learn and Know
I will not try to disguise my anger and the tears that are hiding in the depths of my eyes as I write this. Yes, I am angry. I am sad. I am forlorn. I am lost. I'm just ultimately depressed. Very depressed. If you think that it's just a phase, then I as you to go back and look at my life. I know it's something deeper than temporary angst.
I said I would write more. The problem is, there is so much I want to write about but cannot write about. I want to respect the privacy and reputation of the people I hate, loath and make my life a living hell. Why, you ask. I have no idea. I should exploit them in literature. Make them vial villains of my story. But I won't. This chapter, I had wanted to talk about happy things since my morning went so well. It was a wonderful morning. But before I tell the story of today, I should tell you that I have been battling my father and mother over school and college since I was 17 years old. And now it's really boiling down with me being 21 and not having any college degrees. I had to switch degrees so many times to accommodated what my parents wanted for me. To this day, I am still sacrificing what I want and making myself out to be someone I'm not so I can please them.
Long story short...
I want to teach Creative Writing in two-year universities. Why two-year? I don't know. Sounds cozier to me. First, however, I wanted to be an actress. Mom and dad tried to squash that dream for years. I pursued it but eventually mingled Art with it. I saw no future for me in Art. I love drawing, painting, pastels, building and crafting, but I cannot do it for a living. I lack that type of inspiration. So what to do? My true love was musical theatre and that was so far out of the question. So I discovered my heart's desire (yes, it is different than a true love. True love can be found more than once. A heart's desire can only be found once. It is greater.) That desire was writing. Writing in all forms, but above all--Creative Writing. You probably cannot tell from this blog, but I love writing and want to take care with it. Not on here though. This is different. Any way, I decided to write. Naturally, hurricane parent strikes again with, "You can't make a living off of that" and other such true notions that a young, passionate heart never wants to hear. I published a novel with a con-publisher and continued to write poems, short stories (fewer than I should though) and lengthy novels as well. Finally, I decided that the only way to make money off of writing (as in 'make a living') was to do the ultimate sin: Teach others to follow in my worthless, creative footsteps. I would teach. At first, I said high school, but after observing a high school English class for a semester (I was homeschooled don't forget) I decided, "Why waist my time with kids who don't care at all?" Yes, I still detest children as much as I want to be a foster mother. So I decided to elongate my school years and go for a Masters in English with emphasis in Creative Writing so I could be a college professor of Creative Writing!
The dream. But now it's down to fighting parents again. Not about degrees (I hate that old battle. It kept me in junior colleges far too long) but about schools and colleges. I say one school, dad says no. I say another school, dad says what about the last one? On and on we go, a new carousel to obtain victory over. I though that HBU would be a good one. But they soon showed themselves to be too expensive and not even have Creative Writing programs. So I am now looking at UHD. I have an entire plan set up:
I said I would write more. The problem is, there is so much I want to write about but cannot write about. I want to respect the privacy and reputation of the people I hate, loath and make my life a living hell. Why, you ask. I have no idea. I should exploit them in literature. Make them vial villains of my story. But I won't. This chapter, I had wanted to talk about happy things since my morning went so well. It was a wonderful morning. But before I tell the story of today, I should tell you that I have been battling my father and mother over school and college since I was 17 years old. And now it's really boiling down with me being 21 and not having any college degrees. I had to switch degrees so many times to accommodated what my parents wanted for me. To this day, I am still sacrificing what I want and making myself out to be someone I'm not so I can please them.
Long story short...
I want to teach Creative Writing in two-year universities. Why two-year? I don't know. Sounds cozier to me. First, however, I wanted to be an actress. Mom and dad tried to squash that dream for years. I pursued it but eventually mingled Art with it. I saw no future for me in Art. I love drawing, painting, pastels, building and crafting, but I cannot do it for a living. I lack that type of inspiration. So what to do? My true love was musical theatre and that was so far out of the question. So I discovered my heart's desire (yes, it is different than a true love. True love can be found more than once. A heart's desire can only be found once. It is greater.) That desire was writing. Writing in all forms, but above all--Creative Writing. You probably cannot tell from this blog, but I love writing and want to take care with it. Not on here though. This is different. Any way, I decided to write. Naturally, hurricane parent strikes again with, "You can't make a living off of that" and other such true notions that a young, passionate heart never wants to hear. I published a novel with a con-publisher and continued to write poems, short stories (fewer than I should though) and lengthy novels as well. Finally, I decided that the only way to make money off of writing (as in 'make a living') was to do the ultimate sin: Teach others to follow in my worthless, creative footsteps. I would teach. At first, I said high school, but after observing a high school English class for a semester (I was homeschooled don't forget) I decided, "Why waist my time with kids who don't care at all?" Yes, I still detest children as much as I want to be a foster mother. So I decided to elongate my school years and go for a Masters in English with emphasis in Creative Writing so I could be a college professor of Creative Writing!
The dream. But now it's down to fighting parents again. Not about degrees (I hate that old battle. It kept me in junior colleges far too long) but about schools and colleges. I say one school, dad says no. I say another school, dad says what about the last one? On and on we go, a new carousel to obtain victory over. I though that HBU would be a good one. But they soon showed themselves to be too expensive and not even have Creative Writing programs. So I am now looking at UHD. I have an entire plan set up:
Plan: 1. work through BA at UHD
2. Do intern thing while there.
3. Teach with Ami whole time for experience.
4. Graduate (maybe Spring 2015 if I need 4 years, maybe earlier) and apply to Texas Teachers
5. Will get some kind of job to further experience (can keep teaching with Ami?)
6. Get teaching job with Texas Teachers in high schools after graduate and work on Masters.
7. Graduate with Masters from HUD and teach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally…..
There it was. Finally. But then dad looks up UHM. It has Creative Writing programs, not just English. UHD did only have English, which is why I chose it. Crazy? Yes! Because I thought my parents would want me to go into English and creative writing later. Dad would hate it if I went in to school for such a useless "freak-art-person" degree. That, and I thought I read that the Creative Writing was a specialty for only graduates. For some reason, my logic was wrong. Dad then says to go to UHM. After we look at the web site for a few minutes and I try to tell him information, he says stuff like, "Oh, you don't know anything" and "how do you know?" when I have spent all afternoon looking at the site. Granted, I did miss that UHM's Creative Writing program wasn't JUST for graduates. Then, we're looking at the campus map and dad wants to know what the school is next to. He said, "Can I zoom out and see it?" to which I replied, "No, it's a campus map, you can't do that." He then zooms IN to a portion of the map. "No one wonder your people call you a know-it-all, you talk about things you don't know," he says, focusing on the map.
'My people' referring to some of my missions who call my stupid and say I'm a know-it-all because I know a few things they don't. But that stung. Really bad. I cannot explain how badly it hurt because I have complained and ranted enough about these people for you to understand. I apologize. It happens all the time though. I hate it and it makes me hate them. Now I hated my dad for saying it to me. It took all of my amazing self-control (something I only possess on occasion) to stay where I was, not punch him and run out the door. I wanted to leave then. And not come back. After ten minutes, I had to leave the room at least. I was so hurt. I went upstairs to my room and cleaned it to relieve my anger a bit. I came back down and dad and I finished looking at UHM's web site. I'll probably go there now.
But I am still so hurt. For more reasons than this. I need to journal more so you know. You are in the dark and see me as a whining bitch right now. But I'm not.
For months now I've been felling non-existent. I go through life without people seeing me. Hearing me or thinking of me. I don't exist. I am not loved. I never hang out with people. But how I long to right now. I hate people and I love being alone, but it is also my biggest fear...and it's coming true. I watch movies with couples in it and I know how they survive the adventures and trials of the movie: They have each other. That is, seriously, all it takes. If I had someone in my life who loved me, listened to me, knew that I was breathing, would touch me...life would be easier. Traveling through life this alone is difficult. I could not imagine before and now I cannot imagine it the other way around. I cry almost every night for being so alone.
I watched the 90s version of "A Little Princess" last night and it really came apart for me (kind of like when I watched the lantern scene in "Tangled". Did I tell you about that?) Sarah shouted to Ms. Mintion, "All girls are princesses. Didn't your father ever tell you that? Didn't he?"
The answer is: No. He did not. My family has this phobia of being intimate and close to one another. They think it's awkward and so they avoid it. Entirely. I think that's why my sister and I fight so much. Why my dad does not show love for me like I need him to. Why my mother feels like she needs to be a in a war with me. I didn't understand it until a month or so ago. My family hates that kind of thing. But it is obvious we all need it. My family is falling apart. Spiritually, financially, and in all other ways. As for me, I feel like I'm not even alive. I do not exist in this world. Maybe that's why I am so unmotivated. You scoffed and laughed as you read that, I heard it. You think I'm wrong. But you are not here and that is why you do not understand.
I am alone and I hate it. I long for someone in my life. I am so sad during the day (yes, the entire day) that my physical heart actually hurts. I have an ache in my chest that I cannot heal or stop.
Well, that's enough for one night. I need to make a daily or weekly thing out of writing. I know you don't believe me, but I don't have much time for it. I'll make time though. And I need to make more time for my time with The All Father. I think that's part of my problem. But just a part. I think though, that once I find His love, I will find earthly love. But I don't feel like I can romance Him right now. How does dead heart beat again?
Friday, April 15, 2011
Chapter 23: Celestial Gift
I went for a walk this morning since I was feeling particularly stiff and fat, and got a wonderful gift from the All Father.
The morning had started out dull and normal. Which I cannot stand. I was not happy, but I was inches away from being bored to madness. I was also feeling like I was being lazy and not using my time wisely, which I also cannot stand. So I thought I should go for a walk. I grabbed Dorian (my iPod) and headed out into the wonderful, non-humid Texas air. I walked around one lake, through the park and on to the second lake. "Phantom of the Opera" was sweetly singing in my ears as I walked along.
POTO is something special to me. I've always loved it for many reasons, but there is one song in it that I dedicated to me and the Father during a dark time in my life...to put it simply. That song is "All I Ask of You". Wonderful song with amazing lyrics. That is our song, but I have not thought of it or Us in a very long time.
I get to the second lake and the song comes on. I still do not notice. I am out in he beautiful weather that He created, listening to the song I dedicated to Us and I do nothing. I don't see or hear the wonder. Then, as I reach the center of the bridge over the lake I see my special Celestial Gift. Two, perfectly white swans gliding on he lake, side by side like you would see in a Disney movie. I smile at them and think "How marvelous!" Then it hits me as the chorus of the song soars with new beauty in the shining morning sun. Without even hearing the music, the swans are gliding to it. Perfect rhythm and movements. I stop then and watch as He presents His gift to me.
I stared for what felt like hours, slowly following the swans around the lake, getting close then falling back. The two moved in unison with the song they could not hear until it was over, then they drifted out of sight, under the bridge where I first saw them. I was struck speechless.
I went home feeling a little more loved. I was told to try and romance the Father to get closer to Him recently. I want to do that, but I am human after all and I fail. I forget. I get too lazy. So He took the initiative and wooed me one more time. I love being wooed, but I need to do it for Him too.
Speaking of wooing, on a human scale, I found the key to my heart. I know how any man could woo me and win me over. It's like magic. I felt it happen and my heart nearly burst. I cannot tell you what it is, because then there would be no mystery! But let me say this, when you find the key to your heart, you know it. And you look for it. I am so happy I found it. The funny part about it, is that it has been a huge part of my life since before I can remember. Maybe that is why? I don't know. I just know there is something magical about the dance. The music. The story. The soul of it. I cannot wait to be wooed by a mortal man in this way.
I hope this has been a more happy post than usual. I need to write brighter poetry too, I was told. I'll try. Until then, blessings and safe journeys!
The morning had started out dull and normal. Which I cannot stand. I was not happy, but I was inches away from being bored to madness. I was also feeling like I was being lazy and not using my time wisely, which I also cannot stand. So I thought I should go for a walk. I grabbed Dorian (my iPod) and headed out into the wonderful, non-humid Texas air. I walked around one lake, through the park and on to the second lake. "Phantom of the Opera" was sweetly singing in my ears as I walked along.
POTO is something special to me. I've always loved it for many reasons, but there is one song in it that I dedicated to me and the Father during a dark time in my life...to put it simply. That song is "All I Ask of You". Wonderful song with amazing lyrics. That is our song, but I have not thought of it or Us in a very long time.
I get to the second lake and the song comes on. I still do not notice. I am out in he beautiful weather that He created, listening to the song I dedicated to Us and I do nothing. I don't see or hear the wonder. Then, as I reach the center of the bridge over the lake I see my special Celestial Gift. Two, perfectly white swans gliding on he lake, side by side like you would see in a Disney movie. I smile at them and think "How marvelous!" Then it hits me as the chorus of the song soars with new beauty in the shining morning sun. Without even hearing the music, the swans are gliding to it. Perfect rhythm and movements. I stop then and watch as He presents His gift to me.
I stared for what felt like hours, slowly following the swans around the lake, getting close then falling back. The two moved in unison with the song they could not hear until it was over, then they drifted out of sight, under the bridge where I first saw them. I was struck speechless.
I went home feeling a little more loved. I was told to try and romance the Father to get closer to Him recently. I want to do that, but I am human after all and I fail. I forget. I get too lazy. So He took the initiative and wooed me one more time. I love being wooed, but I need to do it for Him too.
Speaking of wooing, on a human scale, I found the key to my heart. I know how any man could woo me and win me over. It's like magic. I felt it happen and my heart nearly burst. I cannot tell you what it is, because then there would be no mystery! But let me say this, when you find the key to your heart, you know it. And you look for it. I am so happy I found it. The funny part about it, is that it has been a huge part of my life since before I can remember. Maybe that is why? I don't know. I just know there is something magical about the dance. The music. The story. The soul of it. I cannot wait to be wooed by a mortal man in this way.
I hope this has been a more happy post than usual. I need to write brighter poetry too, I was told. I'll try. Until then, blessings and safe journeys!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Chapter 22: A month later...
I'm not writing tonight to talk deeply about some earth shattering thing I've learned. That's what I always wanted this blog to be about though. I wanted it to be something deep and profound every time I wrote. But you have to agree, that would get exhausting! Like a four hour action flick or something. And then there is something else about this blog. I'll admit right now that I got the idea to even start a blog after watching the "July/Julia" movie. I always hated the internet and all the new ways people had created for humans to pretend that they were interested in each other's lives. And for the record, I'm pretty sure Xanga was the first blog.
So I started this blog with this thought: I will write it while on my journey through life, publishing, college and anything else life throws my way and then it will be a memoir! How ridiculous of me. How could I think that I could sit down and write out my thoughts (which will happen more often now, and I'll explain in a moment) and expect them to be publishable material? That's so vane and so self-centered of me. I need to write this for other people. Yes, it is a place for me to talk about MY thoughts, but it is for other people to read. "I want to turn this into an autobiography" is also a stupid idea. I have not lived enough life to do that. This blog is life as it comes. so many times, though, I have wished that I could make it my autobiography. I want to write one because I think that I have something to tell the world. That's why I'm a writer. I have ideas and things to say, but to want to get stuff out now is silly. I am still learning. I know that man deals a fake thing called time and draws all conclusions from how much of that fake object you spent on earth, but life experience matters to me more. I know some people my age have had a lot more, or more correctly, different experiences than me, but does that qualify them to write out a bible of their lives? Perhaps I am being to harsh? I, personally, do not think so.
My favorite quote is this, "How vane it is to sit down and write, when you have not stood up to live"...This means more than how long you have been alive and what experiences you have had. Yes, it even means more than that. It means what have you learned from those trials, those times? Write those down, but DO NOT take that writing as the end-all of your work OR of your life lessons. You may go on to write something that completely contradicts that which you wrote in your earlier days.
Alright, I will get off my soap box now and say this: I will be writing on here more like a journal now. I will try to keep things polished and slightly edited but I prefer this writing to be in it's purest, yet readable, form. I can edit and I can proof-read, but not a lot of it will happen for this page. So, no longer will the posts be these once-in-a-while "deep" posts about "what I've learned". They will be about "my day" and the people in my life. I debated with the idea of mentioning my coworkers in this blog as I will no doubt say the things on here I desperately wish I could say to their faces. I will call them all my "missions" (a reference to one of my pastors sermons) and my work place the "field". Why, you ask? Because they are th missions that the All Father has put into my life on the field of battle. So that being said, I will see you all soon. Blessed journeys!
So I started this blog with this thought: I will write it while on my journey through life, publishing, college and anything else life throws my way and then it will be a memoir! How ridiculous of me. How could I think that I could sit down and write out my thoughts (which will happen more often now, and I'll explain in a moment) and expect them to be publishable material? That's so vane and so self-centered of me. I need to write this for other people. Yes, it is a place for me to talk about MY thoughts, but it is for other people to read. "I want to turn this into an autobiography" is also a stupid idea. I have not lived enough life to do that. This blog is life as it comes. so many times, though, I have wished that I could make it my autobiography. I want to write one because I think that I have something to tell the world. That's why I'm a writer. I have ideas and things to say, but to want to get stuff out now is silly. I am still learning. I know that man deals a fake thing called time and draws all conclusions from how much of that fake object you spent on earth, but life experience matters to me more. I know some people my age have had a lot more, or more correctly, different experiences than me, but does that qualify them to write out a bible of their lives? Perhaps I am being to harsh? I, personally, do not think so.
My favorite quote is this, "How vane it is to sit down and write, when you have not stood up to live"...This means more than how long you have been alive and what experiences you have had. Yes, it even means more than that. It means what have you learned from those trials, those times? Write those down, but DO NOT take that writing as the end-all of your work OR of your life lessons. You may go on to write something that completely contradicts that which you wrote in your earlier days.
Alright, I will get off my soap box now and say this: I will be writing on here more like a journal now. I will try to keep things polished and slightly edited but I prefer this writing to be in it's purest, yet readable, form. I can edit and I can proof-read, but not a lot of it will happen for this page. So, no longer will the posts be these once-in-a-while "deep" posts about "what I've learned". They will be about "my day" and the people in my life. I debated with the idea of mentioning my coworkers in this blog as I will no doubt say the things on here I desperately wish I could say to their faces. I will call them all my "missions" (a reference to one of my pastors sermons) and my work place the "field". Why, you ask? Because they are th missions that the All Father has put into my life on the field of battle. So that being said, I will see you all soon. Blessed journeys!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Chapter 21: Dear Ephesus
Here I will post the first few journals of my travels with King David and Paul as he writes to the Ephesians. Soon I shall travel to Phillipi as well. God bless you and please do not judge a sinning gypsies writing. And yes, some things are missing but I did read it all. I will write about the skipped chapter in Ephesians later. It was so for a reason know only to the Creator. We'll see what happens.
1/26/2011
I’ve been through Ephesians before…
Psalm 1 is tiny! It’s about how there are two ways to go. The way of the wicked and the way of a follower of Christ. Verse 1 mentions a “council of the wicked” and a “path” of sinners. I understand the council bit: don’t seek their council and don’t follow it. It’s crocked and bent. Not what you’re looking for. But I was curious about the “path” part. Fortunately, I have a study bible and can look in the margins for other meanings. It said “way”. So, do not stand in the way of sinners. In the way with them or in their way. As in “get out of my way” kind of thing. Maybe either way is bad or wrong.
The other option aside from the “seat of scoffers” is to “delight in the law of God”. This got me thinking. So many times we are told to delight in God among other things. I just never thought of delighting in His law as part of that. But if we do then we will be like strong trees; deep roots by streams of water (verse 3). Another thing about this tree is that it only bears fruit “in its season” and whatever it does prospers (verse 3). In it’s season…As opposed to all the time.
When I opened my bible to Ephesians, I was pleasantly surprised to see that I had read it before…about 3 times by the look of it! Green, pink and blue highlighter and pen and pencil underlines, circles and stars decorate this book in my bible. I look forward to seeing what I already thought about it. Any way…
The first thing I highlighted was the phrase “by the will of God” when it is introducing Paul. He wrote to Ephesus and was who he was (if you know anything about Paul) “by the will of God” (verse 1).
Verse 5 tells me about how I was chosen by God to be his daughter. This reminded about many things I read in Captivating. I need to find all the versus where God claims me as His. I like that. And just after that in verse 6, Paul mentions my favorite thing: What man is here for. He says “to the praise of the glory of His grace”. I Love the word praise. Makes me want to dance and sing all day!
In the past times, I put a box around verse 7, which tells us about redemption. I love that too. Blood, forgiveness and redemption.
My heart was also captured by the end of verse 13, “you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise” (verse 13). God sealed me to Him, with Him, for Him. Finally, in verse 16, Paul tells the Ephesians that he prays for them and gives thanks for them because God has promised redemption. I don’t quite get this verse, but I’ll think on it. Lastly, when I last went through, I highlighted this, “I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened so that you may know what is the hope of His calling…” Amen!! This is my prayer, God! Please enlighten my eyes! Open them up and break the lock on my heart!
1/28/11
I’m not sure what chapter 2 is about in Ephesians. The later half talks about peace between Jews and gentiles. Apparently they fought a lot. But “Jews” I’m assuming is referring to the race…not that strange religious group today. I don’t know much about Judaism…maybe I should look it up. I think I heard that they believe in God and everything just not Jesus. Or something. I have no clue. But the best part of chapter 2 that spoke to me was the first verse and how it said that we (I) was dead because of the course of sin I walked in this world. That has been me recently. I’ve been dissing and missing God. I’m glad I started talking to Sonni again. She was a good jump-starter. Maybe I’ll have to read chapter 2 again later. Hmmm…
Psalm 2 is exciting! It starts out by asking what the heck is going on on earth. Why is everyone freaking out? People are “devising a vain thing”. I like how verse 5 says that God will scoff at the rulers of the nations and terrify them. I’d like to see that, Mr. President. Sarcasm and course joking aside, my heart lifted in verse 8 where not only are we (God’s children) promised the nations and the earth, but we are also promised “the ends of the earth”! All these movies and stories about beyond the earth and guess what? WE, the Children, get to inherit it!
I think the best part of chapter 2 is the ending in verse 12 “For His wrath may soon be kindled. How blessed are all who take refuge in Him!” Oh, yes…how very blessed. Do I want to be on God’s bad-side when that wrath is kindled? Um, no, thanks. So get ye out of the path of sinners and the seat of scoffers. “Take warning, O judges of the earth” (verse 10). And while they are taking warning I will be “Worship[ing] the Lord with reverence.
Help me do this, God. Turn my every dance, song and word to praise of you and ready me for this day. Amen.
1/29/11
This is crazy! I’ve been taking belly dance class for three weeks now from what I thought was “Del Espadin Flamenco & Spanish Dance Academy & Soraya's School of Belly Dance, 3939 Hillcroft, Suite 160” but it was really “5711 Hillcroft Ave., Ste. D3, Houston, TX”!
I was so confused when I emailed what I thought was my teacher (Soraya) and got an email back from her saying she wasn’t who I thought she was (I was asking my teacher for the music to the dance I need to learn)! So I started to wonder. Cause I’ve always wondered if belly dancing was not something God wanted me to do…but here’s the proof. I think any way.
So, driven to curiosity, I go to Soraya’s site and find the School of Dance address, put it into goolge maps and get the directions I’ve been following. Yes, they are what I’ve been following. I click on “street view” to see if it looks like the same place. No. It’s not. I start to freak out. What’s going on? HOW did I go to the WRONG studio and still get there when the class was to start (Soraya said her class was at 7pm on Tuesday). So I show up at 7pm on Tuesday. At the WRONG address (didn’t know it then) and sure enough (thinking I’m in the right place) there is a belly dance class at 7pm.
So now I’m thinking “God wanted me in THIS class”. I follow the directions to the WRONG place at the right time. Oh my gosh! Really!? So then I google maps search “The Houston Dance Factory” (the place I accidently went to) and on that street view, I see the place I’ve been going too. Different addresses. Same times though. When I went the first time I followed the directions and got SO lost…and found this place though.
God wants me in THIS class. I don’t know why. But I can wait and see. Maybe I’m wrong about the whole thing? I’ll ask Sonni what she thinks. But either way, I suddenly feel as though I’ve had a small sign. Like I’ve been asking for for…quite some time. I don’t care to write down how long I’ve asked God for a sign that He exists. And something so controversial as belly dance shows me. Something I love to do. Something I want to turn into worship for Him. And know what else? I KNOW I’m supposed to be doing this now. That feels pretty good. I’m not sure what to do. Crying sounds good though.
And do add on to this, my coworker from the books store, Wilma, and I got into a lab together at school (after some dropping and planning!). She decided she didn’t like the teacher and wanted to switch. I said sure. But we find out we can’t switch without dropping the lab, (classes have already started) only getting 70% of our money back and then enrolling again (paying full price). We can’t afford that. So she says to me “Oh well, we’re in THIS class for a reason…” Hmmm…..ok then! I seem to be in classes “for a reason”. I’m liking this. I feel like something is moving in my life. Finally. The one semester I choose to take off (still need to quit one job) some things start to fall into place. Thank you, God, for whatever you are doing! I can’t wait to see!
1/30/2011
I have yet to read Ephesians to night, but it’s getting late. Very late. Today in church the pastor preached chapter 4, which I read along with chapter 3 tonight. I liked what he said. I underlined some verses, but I’ll explain this first.
Pastor explained what real peace was today. He said that while David wrote the 4th Psalm, he was being pursued by Absalom (if you know the story then you know why and how scary that must have been). But still David was able to sleep at night. He was scared of all these dudes coming after him, but he found peace. I need that peace right now, God. I am so angry at so many people right now…give me Your peace. Please.
This chapter in Ephesians was the “exceedingly, ubundantly” thing. But more than that, it was all summed up in verses 14-19. It said that the whole reason Paul was suffering as he wrote was to reach the gentiles so that way they could know of the love of God and simply OF God. So that way we can be who we are supposed to be as His children. I need to sleep now. I may read these again tomorrow. God, help me in EVERYTHING I do tomorrow according to your will. Amen.
1/31/11
“A prayer for guidance”…how I needed this.
So I imagine that David is still being pursued by Absalom. He is asking God to get them for all they’ve done. Starting in verse 4 he starts by saying that no evil dwells with God. From there he goes on to say what God does with offenders. They shall not stand with God, they are undone by their own means, God hates the evil, they are thrust out…the list goes on. I feel like asking God to do this sometimes…I want people to suffer like He said they would for being evil. I hate how people treat me and I want these things to happen. But then I’m just being like “I have God and you don’t so I don’t forgive you and He shall smite thee!” That’s no good…
So I need to look at the other part of this chapter! Amid all this running for his life and fearing his enemies, David takes time to praise God. “For to thee do I pray…” (vers 2). In verse 8 he asks God to lead him in the way of righteousness. Maybe that’s because of all those lovely things that happen to those who don’t…? I noticed something about the end of verse 8. David says, “Make Thy way straight before me”. Not “my way” as in where he’s going physically, but where God wants him to be. Physically and spiritually I imagine. That really stuck out. I need to pay more attention to what God wants me to do then what I have planned and where I want to go and asking Him to bless THAT road. I should walk God’s road…Verses 11 and 12 close the chapter nicely as David ends with saying how God is protection and how He shelters those who are on the right path. Thy path.
Ephesians 4 was a long one. But I think I get it. I had a lot highlighted from when I read it before. A lot to do with not lying, speaking mean words, cussing (get that from verse 29) and to not be deceitful (lying I have a problem with. Not huge lies, but what we humans call white lies…) and to not speak slander and to not live a life style that is immoral. It also puts emphasis on being kind to others (a good example is the closing of the chapter).
In the first part of the chapter though (verses 1-16) talk about how we all (all God’s children) need to work together for good and for His glory and in the way He wants us too. I need to sleep now…sick and tired. God, Help me be more honest. Let no words of slander or falsehoods come out of my mouth. Help me to love all around me and show them You whenever I can. Thank you for all the blessings you have heaped on my today. I love You and I ask these things of you as Your daughter, Amen.
2/2/2011
Missed last night cause I watched a movie with Anna, which I thought was in order. She needs my attention too. So Psalm 6 is short too. I guess that King David didn’t have much time for writing while being on the run. But I think I like this one. I like anything in the Bible that starts out with the heading “A cry for mercy” or “a prayer for guidance”. Guess that’s the way I am!
So this Psalm had some great parts and some AMAZING poetry! Man, could David write or what?! But I’ll get to that. From verse 1, I was so into this chapter: “O Lord, do not rebuke me in Thine anger…” I had to stop and wonder “Does He?” I mean, you hear in other places in the bible where God is smiting the wicked (among other people) with “wrath” and “anger”. So…what about me?? Do I get God-anger rained down on me too?
In verse 2 there is a bit that might be a good verse to pray. A while back, Sonni and I talked about praying scripture. I think it’s a good idea. I don’t see the harm in it. Or the good, but oh well. It’s God’s word. If I pray it does that mean He sees me super trying to get into His word? Maybe.
Moving way on to verse 7 is where the down-right, amazing poetry really starts to show in Pslams. David says in verse 7, “My eye has wasted away with grief; it has become old because of my adversaries” (I just looked that word up and it means opponent and challenger. Good to know!). So just look at that poetry!! My eye has wasted away with grief! How horridly beautiful. Shakespeare must have read King David.
I’d like to leave off Psalm 6 with verse 9 as a prayer: “The Lord receives my prayers”…Hear my prayer, God, my prayers of repentance, joy, thankfulness and greed. Amen.
Ephesians 5…behind in it….
“The walk of the believer as God’s dear child”…one of my favorite things!
So there is some stuff in here about married life and all and I don’t want to go too in depth into that cause I don’t feel it’s the time too. I need to stay away from that for a while.
So verse 3 describes what saints ought to not let even be named among them: impurity, greed or any immorality. That’s a little hard core. We being human…HAVE NO EXCUSES! So now I have something to new to try. Yikes. This includes “silly talk” and “course jesting” (which I am famous for…) (verse 4).
Verse 6, above all, make me think of an anti-Christ among other things. “Let no one deceive you” and “the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience”. And verse 12 goes along with verse 3 in that it tells us that to even speak of these things is disgraceful. Easy enough…
I liked verse 16 and 17, of course, because it talks about how evil the days are, but also because I have a tendency to waste time. Big time. All I do is waste it. Then of course, I like verse 18 for more than one reason. Yes, Elise and I want to get drunk together some time, but I hate drunkerds… Like my ex. But Sonni says I can’t hold grudges! Any way…
So I’m not going to go into verses 22-29 except to say this about 29: “for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the Church, because we are member of His body.” Did you catch that? No one hates their own flesh. They love it. We are the Church—Christ’s body. He loves His flesh too. He loves US like He loves Himself. I know there are verses where it talks about how much God likes Himself and all. It’s a lot. He loves us as much as that. Wow.
The End of that. Next up is Phillipi. Come with me, if you dare, the path I travel is not led by me but by the Unseen One, my All Father.
1/26/2011
I’ve been through Ephesians before…
Psalm 1 is tiny! It’s about how there are two ways to go. The way of the wicked and the way of a follower of Christ. Verse 1 mentions a “council of the wicked” and a “path” of sinners. I understand the council bit: don’t seek their council and don’t follow it. It’s crocked and bent. Not what you’re looking for. But I was curious about the “path” part. Fortunately, I have a study bible and can look in the margins for other meanings. It said “way”. So, do not stand in the way of sinners. In the way with them or in their way. As in “get out of my way” kind of thing. Maybe either way is bad or wrong.
The other option aside from the “seat of scoffers” is to “delight in the law of God”. This got me thinking. So many times we are told to delight in God among other things. I just never thought of delighting in His law as part of that. But if we do then we will be like strong trees; deep roots by streams of water (verse 3). Another thing about this tree is that it only bears fruit “in its season” and whatever it does prospers (verse 3). In it’s season…As opposed to all the time.
When I opened my bible to Ephesians, I was pleasantly surprised to see that I had read it before…about 3 times by the look of it! Green, pink and blue highlighter and pen and pencil underlines, circles and stars decorate this book in my bible. I look forward to seeing what I already thought about it. Any way…
The first thing I highlighted was the phrase “by the will of God” when it is introducing Paul. He wrote to Ephesus and was who he was (if you know anything about Paul) “by the will of God” (verse 1).
Verse 5 tells me about how I was chosen by God to be his daughter. This reminded about many things I read in Captivating. I need to find all the versus where God claims me as His. I like that. And just after that in verse 6, Paul mentions my favorite thing: What man is here for. He says “to the praise of the glory of His grace”. I Love the word praise. Makes me want to dance and sing all day!
In the past times, I put a box around verse 7, which tells us about redemption. I love that too. Blood, forgiveness and redemption.
My heart was also captured by the end of verse 13, “you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise” (verse 13). God sealed me to Him, with Him, for Him. Finally, in verse 16, Paul tells the Ephesians that he prays for them and gives thanks for them because God has promised redemption. I don’t quite get this verse, but I’ll think on it. Lastly, when I last went through, I highlighted this, “I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened so that you may know what is the hope of His calling…” Amen!! This is my prayer, God! Please enlighten my eyes! Open them up and break the lock on my heart!
1/28/11
I’m not sure what chapter 2 is about in Ephesians. The later half talks about peace between Jews and gentiles. Apparently they fought a lot. But “Jews” I’m assuming is referring to the race…not that strange religious group today. I don’t know much about Judaism…maybe I should look it up. I think I heard that they believe in God and everything just not Jesus. Or something. I have no clue. But the best part of chapter 2 that spoke to me was the first verse and how it said that we (I) was dead because of the course of sin I walked in this world. That has been me recently. I’ve been dissing and missing God. I’m glad I started talking to Sonni again. She was a good jump-starter. Maybe I’ll have to read chapter 2 again later. Hmmm…
Psalm 2 is exciting! It starts out by asking what the heck is going on on earth. Why is everyone freaking out? People are “devising a vain thing”. I like how verse 5 says that God will scoff at the rulers of the nations and terrify them. I’d like to see that, Mr. President. Sarcasm and course joking aside, my heart lifted in verse 8 where not only are we (God’s children) promised the nations and the earth, but we are also promised “the ends of the earth”! All these movies and stories about beyond the earth and guess what? WE, the Children, get to inherit it!
I think the best part of chapter 2 is the ending in verse 12 “For His wrath may soon be kindled. How blessed are all who take refuge in Him!” Oh, yes…how very blessed. Do I want to be on God’s bad-side when that wrath is kindled? Um, no, thanks. So get ye out of the path of sinners and the seat of scoffers. “Take warning, O judges of the earth” (verse 10). And while they are taking warning I will be “Worship[ing] the Lord with reverence.
Help me do this, God. Turn my every dance, song and word to praise of you and ready me for this day. Amen.
1/29/11
This is crazy! I’ve been taking belly dance class for three weeks now from what I thought was “Del Espadin Flamenco & Spanish Dance Academy & Soraya's School of Belly Dance, 3939 Hillcroft, Suite 160” but it was really “5711 Hillcroft Ave., Ste. D3, Houston, TX”!
I was so confused when I emailed what I thought was my teacher (Soraya) and got an email back from her saying she wasn’t who I thought she was (I was asking my teacher for the music to the dance I need to learn)! So I started to wonder. Cause I’ve always wondered if belly dancing was not something God wanted me to do…but here’s the proof. I think any way.
So, driven to curiosity, I go to Soraya’s site and find the School of Dance address, put it into goolge maps and get the directions I’ve been following. Yes, they are what I’ve been following. I click on “street view” to see if it looks like the same place. No. It’s not. I start to freak out. What’s going on? HOW did I go to the WRONG studio and still get there when the class was to start (Soraya said her class was at 7pm on Tuesday). So I show up at 7pm on Tuesday. At the WRONG address (didn’t know it then) and sure enough (thinking I’m in the right place) there is a belly dance class at 7pm.
So now I’m thinking “God wanted me in THIS class”. I follow the directions to the WRONG place at the right time. Oh my gosh! Really!? So then I google maps search “The Houston Dance Factory” (the place I accidently went to) and on that street view, I see the place I’ve been going too. Different addresses. Same times though. When I went the first time I followed the directions and got SO lost…and found this place though.
God wants me in THIS class. I don’t know why. But I can wait and see. Maybe I’m wrong about the whole thing? I’ll ask Sonni what she thinks. But either way, I suddenly feel as though I’ve had a small sign. Like I’ve been asking for for…quite some time. I don’t care to write down how long I’ve asked God for a sign that He exists. And something so controversial as belly dance shows me. Something I love to do. Something I want to turn into worship for Him. And know what else? I KNOW I’m supposed to be doing this now. That feels pretty good. I’m not sure what to do. Crying sounds good though.
And do add on to this, my coworker from the books store, Wilma, and I got into a lab together at school (after some dropping and planning!). She decided she didn’t like the teacher and wanted to switch. I said sure. But we find out we can’t switch without dropping the lab, (classes have already started) only getting 70% of our money back and then enrolling again (paying full price). We can’t afford that. So she says to me “Oh well, we’re in THIS class for a reason…” Hmmm…..ok then! I seem to be in classes “for a reason”. I’m liking this. I feel like something is moving in my life. Finally. The one semester I choose to take off (still need to quit one job) some things start to fall into place. Thank you, God, for whatever you are doing! I can’t wait to see!
1/30/2011
I have yet to read Ephesians to night, but it’s getting late. Very late. Today in church the pastor preached chapter 4, which I read along with chapter 3 tonight. I liked what he said. I underlined some verses, but I’ll explain this first.
Pastor explained what real peace was today. He said that while David wrote the 4th Psalm, he was being pursued by Absalom (if you know the story then you know why and how scary that must have been). But still David was able to sleep at night. He was scared of all these dudes coming after him, but he found peace. I need that peace right now, God. I am so angry at so many people right now…give me Your peace. Please.
This chapter in Ephesians was the “exceedingly, ubundantly” thing. But more than that, it was all summed up in verses 14-19. It said that the whole reason Paul was suffering as he wrote was to reach the gentiles so that way they could know of the love of God and simply OF God. So that way we can be who we are supposed to be as His children. I need to sleep now. I may read these again tomorrow. God, help me in EVERYTHING I do tomorrow according to your will. Amen.
1/31/11
“A prayer for guidance”…how I needed this.
So I imagine that David is still being pursued by Absalom. He is asking God to get them for all they’ve done. Starting in verse 4 he starts by saying that no evil dwells with God. From there he goes on to say what God does with offenders. They shall not stand with God, they are undone by their own means, God hates the evil, they are thrust out…the list goes on. I feel like asking God to do this sometimes…I want people to suffer like He said they would for being evil. I hate how people treat me and I want these things to happen. But then I’m just being like “I have God and you don’t so I don’t forgive you and He shall smite thee!” That’s no good…
So I need to look at the other part of this chapter! Amid all this running for his life and fearing his enemies, David takes time to praise God. “For to thee do I pray…” (vers 2). In verse 8 he asks God to lead him in the way of righteousness. Maybe that’s because of all those lovely things that happen to those who don’t…? I noticed something about the end of verse 8. David says, “Make Thy way straight before me”. Not “my way” as in where he’s going physically, but where God wants him to be. Physically and spiritually I imagine. That really stuck out. I need to pay more attention to what God wants me to do then what I have planned and where I want to go and asking Him to bless THAT road. I should walk God’s road…Verses 11 and 12 close the chapter nicely as David ends with saying how God is protection and how He shelters those who are on the right path. Thy path.
Ephesians 4 was a long one. But I think I get it. I had a lot highlighted from when I read it before. A lot to do with not lying, speaking mean words, cussing (get that from verse 29) and to not be deceitful (lying I have a problem with. Not huge lies, but what we humans call white lies…) and to not speak slander and to not live a life style that is immoral. It also puts emphasis on being kind to others (a good example is the closing of the chapter).
In the first part of the chapter though (verses 1-16) talk about how we all (all God’s children) need to work together for good and for His glory and in the way He wants us too. I need to sleep now…sick and tired. God, Help me be more honest. Let no words of slander or falsehoods come out of my mouth. Help me to love all around me and show them You whenever I can. Thank you for all the blessings you have heaped on my today. I love You and I ask these things of you as Your daughter, Amen.
2/2/2011
Missed last night cause I watched a movie with Anna, which I thought was in order. She needs my attention too. So Psalm 6 is short too. I guess that King David didn’t have much time for writing while being on the run. But I think I like this one. I like anything in the Bible that starts out with the heading “A cry for mercy” or “a prayer for guidance”. Guess that’s the way I am!
So this Psalm had some great parts and some AMAZING poetry! Man, could David write or what?! But I’ll get to that. From verse 1, I was so into this chapter: “O Lord, do not rebuke me in Thine anger…” I had to stop and wonder “Does He?” I mean, you hear in other places in the bible where God is smiting the wicked (among other people) with “wrath” and “anger”. So…what about me?? Do I get God-anger rained down on me too?
In verse 2 there is a bit that might be a good verse to pray. A while back, Sonni and I talked about praying scripture. I think it’s a good idea. I don’t see the harm in it. Or the good, but oh well. It’s God’s word. If I pray it does that mean He sees me super trying to get into His word? Maybe.
Moving way on to verse 7 is where the down-right, amazing poetry really starts to show in Pslams. David says in verse 7, “My eye has wasted away with grief; it has become old because of my adversaries” (I just looked that word up and it means opponent and challenger. Good to know!). So just look at that poetry!! My eye has wasted away with grief! How horridly beautiful. Shakespeare must have read King David.
I’d like to leave off Psalm 6 with verse 9 as a prayer: “The Lord receives my prayers”…Hear my prayer, God, my prayers of repentance, joy, thankfulness and greed. Amen.
Ephesians 5…behind in it….
“The walk of the believer as God’s dear child”…one of my favorite things!
So there is some stuff in here about married life and all and I don’t want to go too in depth into that cause I don’t feel it’s the time too. I need to stay away from that for a while.
So verse 3 describes what saints ought to not let even be named among them: impurity, greed or any immorality. That’s a little hard core. We being human…HAVE NO EXCUSES! So now I have something to new to try. Yikes. This includes “silly talk” and “course jesting” (which I am famous for…) (verse 4).
Verse 6, above all, make me think of an anti-Christ among other things. “Let no one deceive you” and “the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience”. And verse 12 goes along with verse 3 in that it tells us that to even speak of these things is disgraceful. Easy enough…
I liked verse 16 and 17, of course, because it talks about how evil the days are, but also because I have a tendency to waste time. Big time. All I do is waste it. Then of course, I like verse 18 for more than one reason. Yes, Elise and I want to get drunk together some time, but I hate drunkerds… Like my ex. But Sonni says I can’t hold grudges! Any way…
So I’m not going to go into verses 22-29 except to say this about 29: “for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the Church, because we are member of His body.” Did you catch that? No one hates their own flesh. They love it. We are the Church—Christ’s body. He loves His flesh too. He loves US like He loves Himself. I know there are verses where it talks about how much God likes Himself and all. It’s a lot. He loves us as much as that. Wow.
The End of that. Next up is Phillipi. Come with me, if you dare, the path I travel is not led by me but by the Unseen One, my All Father.
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