Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Chapter 12: Falling Up

Life goes on, as the saying goes and I know this very well now. Not that my life is horrible right now because it’s not. Far from it. I just have things on my mind. Things that are always on my mind with intense pressure.
What about this guy that I like? It’s not just ‘like’ any more. But my parents know nothing of it. They know I know the guy and that I worked with him for a year. They know so little. I think maybe that’s why they don’t trust me. I have done nothing to lose their trust, but they do not know me and I think that is why they do not trust me. So they will not trust me about guys either. But what do I know about this guy? Nearly everything except one thing that I have to know: What is his relationship with God? I asked him last night if he ever prayed and he said yes. In a note to me earlier he said he knows God has a plan. It sounds like he trusts God, but how far does that have an impact on his life? I need a man who will push me to love God and support me when I say “it’s a God thing”. I need a man to lead me in our relationship with God.
I want to talk to him about all off this, but I want to wait and do it until we are face to face, which may be a while because he lives back in Kansas. And I am here in Texas. Far, far away.
After the conversation we had last night, I am sure he loves me and I love him. We just haven’t said it yet. We have said everything you can say without using those three words though. He asked me out on a date. Yes, while we are hundreds of miles apart, he asked me on a date. I said, yes, but that I had to tell my parents. I’m hoping (though I know it will never happen) that they will say, “well, have him talk to us and then we’ll see” because I know he can do it. But what is really going to happen is this:
MOM: Who is he?
ME: A guy I worked with at the writing center.
MOM: Is he a Christian?
ME: He was raised catholic, but we’ve talked about God a little. I want to more when we see each other.
MOM: No way! Are you stupid? Your father is going to kill you!
And that’s when I die…

I am going to pray like mad about it! I want this to work out. More than anything, I want this to work out. I feel as though God has set this up for me. I don’t know why, but I do. So there are my concerns and fears. My hope is that he and I see each other and can get to talk and know each other better. That’s what dating is, right? You don’t date a guy because you “know” he is “the one”. You cannot possibly know that. So that’s what I want to do. All my brothers did. And I will too. I want to do something based on my own decision. Because of all this emotion, I’m falling apart little by little. But with God and him in the mix, I’m elevated and flying to the heights. I’m falling up…

Monday, July 12, 2010

Chapter 11: A Long Expected Disapointment

I’m sorry this is not the long, catch-up chapter I promised, but it’s what’s on my mind and that’s what matters.
My journey to womanhood continues to not be what I expected or wanted. Just now, my mother called me immature and said I needed to grow up. This came about because I was upset about not being able to play Xbox live with my best guy friends. The kids have always hogged the xbox and made it near impossible for me to ever got on and play. I have yet to play with my friends and I wanted to tomorrow at 2 when they are both off work. That’s the problem is that we have to coordinate schedules.
I told the children that at 2 pm tomorrow I was going to get on and play with my friends. They explode into “you can’t do that” and “ you can’t just take over” and other various yellings.
I got mildly angry at them, shouted just once then left it alone. I went to talk to mom about it and got hardly emotional. I am trying to be honest here. She gets angry at me for that and says I need to grow up…and stop trying to be a “big person around here.” Oh, my dear mother! Is that not a contradiction?
She is impossible to live with. She wants me to be one thing, so long as she can still squish me underneath her. I am not allowed to really be what she wants. Because in reality, what she wants is for me to be submissive, quiet and obedient.
I’m sorry, but that is not going to happen.
I will not go quietly.
I will not be trod upon.
I am a woman.
I will be 21 years old in less than 5 months and I will then be an adult. I have to make money to get out of this house, with respect. I do not want to run, I want to leave in silence and be gone. Only then, when I am free from “her house” as she constantly reminds me, will I be a woman. So this blog is not how I thought it would be. It is still my journey to woman hood and I plan on writing more often now. Maybe even another entry today. I am still on my journey, I just now see where it may end. Obviously, my belief is that one never stops growing and learning, but to be the first level of woman is to be free. Be independent. Not stupid and crazy and superficial…independent. Free to make the right choices.
This will be all for now. Thank you if you have been reading I will write more now that I am backon my path.