Monday, October 31, 2011

Chapter 33: If anything....

I haven’t been in this emotional state for years. The state where your own house feels alien and your bed room, once your sanctuary suddenly feels so fragile and temporary. Emotions are charged but not cluttered. My mind is queenly selfish; all I can think about is myself right now. I cannot succeed at life. Why do things when others can do them better? Why go on with school when grades are suffering and may never get better? Why go to work when all one does is spend the money again? School is killing me. It’s going to destroy my life. I can’t do it. I’m failing.
This feeling of being alien in your own home I mentioned happens when time drifts into nonexistence and you can’t—and won’t—count it any more. It doesn’t matter because you made your mind: All these questions don’t need to be answered because it’s going to end. YOU are going to end it. Why try and cheer up when it’s going to come back? This lose, failure, destruction, lameness…it’s all going to come back and drag you back down. You spend more time down than anything else. No one is thinking of you  (lack of internet social interactivity is proof enough), no one is texting you, calling you, needing you…You are a waste of space on this earth, getting bad grades. It’s time to leave. You will never have the love you want, the man of your dreams. Your depression is too strong for you. For me. I can’t stand it. What good am I? I had plans, but it’s all determined by this stupid school. They killed my dreams and hope. I have nothing left.
Bad grades cannot be fixed, parents who despise and will never respect you are just that. The only thing you have is yourself and you are letting you down. You cannot fix any of this. Nothing is good any more. It never was, I was just under the illusion it was.
Why don’t I do it now? Not because I secretly think it will get better, I know it won’t. Or if it does, it just gets worse again. What do I have to live for? Nothing. I don’t do it because I’m afraid. Not of the Afterlife, just afraid. I could do it. I know so many simple ways. But I’m too much of a coward to take the cowards way out.
I am nothing. I am an empty shell with nothing left to give. I gave and gave and gave. I helped other people, inspired them to do things, worked for them, slaved for them, bowed under their feet, been used and abused by them. What have I gotten back? Plans of nothingness and bad grades to ruin my life. I’m a stranger now on this planet. I want to go home.    
If anything, dear God, let me dance the Macabre tonight. Please. 

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Chapter 32: I Can't Speak French

I was at a loss for the first chapter title in weeks. Months? It's true though. I'm taking French at the University and it's so hard. It was simple at first and I loved it. Then we started conjugating verbs and it was all down hill. Apparently, that's all you do in French so I've having to work super-duper-extra-chocolaty-fudge-covered hard at it. About 6 hours a week just on French. But it will be worth it. I want to speak it fluently. And then teach English in France. There is a chance for second year French students to live in Angers for 5 weeks this summer, but it is far too expensive for me. Sad considering Angers is only an hour from Paris and my tower. I would so love to see it. I started crying in class when we were being told about it. I must visit my France someday. Why do I love it so much? I promise it's not for the normal, shallow and uninteresting reasons of every other female in the world, and because I claim that, I cannot explain it any more. I just love it. Some of my ancestors are from there and spoke the language. The Scottish ones. Hahah, that makes sense. But it's part of me and I want to know it.
It's also raining. For the first time in more than a year, it has rained for more than five minutes. It's October and finally it is cloudy, grey and raining. How marvelous! I need the grey and gloom. I haven't been able to write a single inspired word since moving to Texas. With ten months of pure Summer and some odd back and forth months, there is no change in the seasons and so the people hear never get to change. They laps into this ugly, humid rut and their brains start to decay and become useless. Now it's happening to me! My imagination, thought and cleverness are melting away. With no reason to change and deal with Mother Nature, the Texan man has become useless!
I could go on, but I've exhausted this speech with my acquaintances here.
I've also been on the search for a good cemetery for photography and haven't had any luck yet. Sigh...
Life is changing for me. Not the weather though. It's hard to meet new things and make something amazing out of them when your brain and soul are now dormant, inanimate objects!