Monday, November 22, 2010

Chapter 15: I Forgot 13!

I just saw my mistake and realized I had no Chapter 13. Teehee! Oh, well!
Really I just wanted to come and talk to myself since I have no much new to report. Except for the @$$-faced jerk incident. I'm debating whether or not to post that conversation here or not. My sweet friend, on whom's facebook it took place was kind enough to delete it, but not before I copy and pasted it. I do that. To remember hurts done to me, I suppose. Silly, isn't it? Well, it was an awful exchange about censorship and plays that ended with him telling me "go and off" myself. It was ugly. It really hurt and I cried all night. I tried to find comfort in my friends, but the man I turned to said I was "letting" it hurt me...not what I wanted to hear at the time. So I got more upset and left the online world.
I felt a bit immature, but really I was hurting badly.
Speaking of not having people to talk to! I've decided to revel in my movies and TV shows again. I think I said something similar in my last post, but whatever! I watched Lost Boys last night and it was great. I really love that movie. And I chatted with...Luke...for a few minutes. It was okay. He was as distant and unresponsive as ever. He taught me so much about myself. So much that I will hold onto.
I quoted Europe today for my facebook status. I said "I've gone through changes, I've gone through pain. But that's not enough reason for me to go insane..." I love Rock the Night. Fun song! And that's how I feel right now. I have gone through so many changes and through SO much pain...but still...
So right now I should be doing my homework and studying...I have two tests on Tuesday. And I forgot that this Thursday was Thanksgiving. I should do something fun. For myself. That'd be good for me. Wonder what I should do. Teehee, I'm half excited now. I make myself excited more and more these days. I think that's because I spend so much time in my own head. Oh, well!
My best friend and her boyfriend are getting along well, I hear. I'm so happy for her. I get the feeling he's going to be in her life for quite some time so I'm denouncing my normal hostile attitudes toward him and just supporting her. I am jealous...of them both! I want someone to tell me I'm pretty and touch me. I long for touch.
Right! Off to study! Two tests tomorrow! Hahaha, Beat It just came on to my Pandora. Love it! I'm rockin' on! Happy? No. Rockin' it any way? YES!!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

If Only to Hold

So here is a new post only a day or two after my last one. Unfortunately, it's nothing big. Just something I jotted down this afternoon and wanted to share. I wanted it to rhyme AND be really dramatic, but that wasn't working. So I just went with rhyming. I may write another one about the same thing and make it have more feeling and no rhymes so that way my point comes across. Either way, please enjoy!

"If Only to Hold"

Take a moment with me please and close your eyes…
Unbury your darker emotions and let them rise…
Bid farewell to all light and joy with a kiss…
Now imagine with me, if you can, only this:

You long for his touch, his gentle caress,
If only you burned for far less.
To have him touch you and smell your hair,
To give you his love and undying care.
You want his eyes to see only your heart,
This beating, living thing that is falling apart.
You are on fire, your mind is burning,
You are drowning, your soul is yearning.
A word from him to you would calm the storm,
Release your wounds, your heart would warm.
As the rain falls and skies blacken to gray,
What price would you pay to have him for a day?
Would you take him and set him away in glass,
Or would put him in a frame made of blunt brass?
I know you better than that, my sweet wounded one,
Take him and love him until you come undone,
Make him your world, you would,
If only…if only you could…
What you want of him is simple and small,
Yet you cannot bring yourself to ask at all.
You know not what he would say,
And yet you go on and delay!
I see it now, you’d rather die,
This heart is breaking, desiring to fly.
A treasure like this is too much to ask,
Go on now, put on that shiny mask,
Hide away, leave his presence and flee,
Blind yourself so you can no longer see.
But still you yearn and burn for his affection,
You will never forget his perfect complexion.
Never forget how he made you mourn,
In your heart he ever planted a thorn.
Please, listen well,
Do not succumb to this torture hell,
The desire will not leave you like a dove,
This could mean ‘tis True Love…

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Chapter 14: Life in the South in Short

The oranges on our trees in the back yard are bright yellow against the darkening green leaves and stand out like thousands of blazing suns in a dark galaxy. They remind me of how my life is. Dark and ever growing, with small spurts of brightness every step or so. Sometimes fewer times than that, but I am so joyous when those times come. However rare they are.
That is life in Texas. Down here in the South! It's getting colder now as does my outlook on life. I've mentioned Camp 4 in my other journals, so I fell I should fill you in...whoever you are. Camp 4 is what I called my pubescent years. Wink. I was 14 at the time...maybe younger. I was always angry, hated my parents, wanted to kill my siblings, had 2 or 3 friends and was just getting into the "dark child" phase. I'm still there, all gothed up, I just know what it means now. Any way, during this time in my life I was prone to spasms of horrid and terrible anger. Whenever an eruption occurred, I would stomp up to my room and stay there pouting for HOURS! I would write hate-poetry and even swear! So that's Camp 4. We've all been there. That's why we all relate to the angsty book character so well. Smile. You just need to know Camp 4 so that you can know this: I am not there right now. I know I'm not. I'm just going through some stuff. What am I going through you may ask? Well...that's why I write this, right? So I will can whine and complain and remembered. I hope.
So where am I then? I am in Texas, nearing the end of a semester I rushed into far too quickly, rouging it with two jobs, studying every day for hours, trying to get in exercise and, of course, my dancing. Doesn't sound so bad, does it? "Welcome to the real world!" everyone always says. Oh, trust me, I know the real world and I'm only half way there, so thanks for the mindless and rude welcome. But that doesn't stop what I'm going through being tough for me NOW.
Ok, so I'm not going to beat around the bush any more. I want to write about him. My White Butterfly. You will soon see that poem posted here! He is glorious and beautiful. Much better than that jerk I thought I was in love with. Enough said. Someday I may feel the need to explain myself further, but it will just horrify you. Trust me when I say this though, I have learned so much through that wretched relationship. And I thank God almost everyday that it is over.
So about this Butterfly. I've been seeing him in school every Tuesday and Thursday for a brief 5 minutes at the most. Most of that time though, is me gazing at him from a far. Yes, we have spoken and one time Anna and I did hang out with him and his friends for an hour at a Chinese restaurant, but that's it. I did sit next to him in church once and walk him out to his car, but that is it. For the whole semester. I talk to his best friend more often, but that's because I feel better doing that. You know what I mean. But this Butterfly is perfect in every way the other guy wans't. This Butterfly even dances! I pray about him often, but not often enough I fear...
I have been distant to the Great Spirit. And I know He wants me back so badly. I need to get in touch with Him again before the semester is out. Oh! And my vow is over. I made a vow when I was 18 to stay single until I was 21. Thank the stars I didn't ever really go out with the jerk! So now I want to see what He does about the Butterfly now that I am single AND my vow is over.
I am afraid I must end here for today. Constantine calls me! I will write sooner and more often though. Now that I have time. Sort of. Smile!