Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Chapter 48: God's Broken Toy

Apologies for being glum two posts in a row. I promise to write something cheerful soon.

Is God like everyone else? Does He take advantage of His hardworking servants? Let me explain before I offend someone.
   I have been analyzing my life for a few years now and have noticed some patterns. I've mentioned one I'm sure: I am the muse but have not talent. I start something, others catch on and try it and fly past me while I discover I can't do it. The other is more my fault I hear: I work hard. Very hard. And other people (usually bosses) take advantage of that and make me work more since they know I will do it. I get run ragged and never given more. No raise, no plus, no “good job”, just a “Good, now do this.”
   It's happened to me at all the jobs I've had except one. True, I've had basically nothing but retail jobs, but what else am I supposed to do? I teach and tutor, but I mean really. I've had to switch majors so many times that I haven't graduated. Yes, I'm this old and not got out of my four year yet. So I work and work to get through college. No, my parents don't pay for it; I have 8 brothers and sisters, we're not rolling in money.
   So to get through school, fix my car, pay for my phone and other things, I work a lot. And hard. I want to keep my jobs and I want to let people know I'm a good person. So I cannot say no to people when they ask me to do things. I want to be liked. I have no close friends here in Texas and can't talk to my best friend that often. I want to please. I want to move up in the world. Before you judge me, no, I'm not a butt-kisser. I work to be liked. I strive to do my best. Therefore, the uppers sense that and work me to my bones because I cannot say no. To anything.
   As it stands, life has been turning out that way too. Every time I get somewhere in life (satisfied with my job, grades, family, or achieve something I've been working towards) it seems that some new wrench is thrown in the works and suddenly my success is worth nothing. It's like God says, “Okay so you got that, now let's see how you handle this!” There is no, “Good job!” or “Excellent, you have earned____”. Nothing. Just moving up to the next intensity.
With some things that I do in groups, I feel like I work harder than anyone else. In some cases, new threats to my almost success are coming up and I feel like I'm the only one who will take that seriously. And you know what? I probably am because other people want to depend on my slavery. I know that's harsh, but that's how it feels.
   I thought I had made it somewhere with dance and now all this stuff is coming up. I want to go pro, I want to be good, I want to be authentic (it's a thing with Arabic dance...) but every time I reach a new level, something happens to show me that I cannot enjoy my labor. Maybe I'm not actually to the next level? Am I trying to rest too soon? I know I can't complain since I'm still so young, but I was thrust into collage and payments for things when I was 17 years old and have been working 2 or 3 jobs ever since while trying to maintain who I am and who I want to be. I know I can't complain, I live with my parents. Other people have it worse than I do. All that stuff.
   All that to say, I have to wonder about how I perceive God in all this. Is He distant and only there sometimes like my parents? Is He using me like all my bosses? Is He waiting for me to get my act together before He'll let me have someone special in my life (that's a whole other blog post...), or what? What is wrong with me that I can't get a break? What am I missing? I study, work, respect my parents, love all my billion siblings, am a good person, work with kids...What am I missing?
What's wrong with me?