The oranges on our trees in the back yard are bright yellow against the darkening green leaves and stand out like thousands of blazing suns in a dark galaxy. They remind me of how my life is. Dark and ever growing, with small spurts of brightness every step or so. Sometimes fewer times than that, but I am so joyous when those times come. However rare they are.
That is life in Texas. Down here in the South! It's getting colder now as does my outlook on life. I've mentioned Camp 4 in my other journals, so I fell I should fill you in...whoever you are. Camp 4 is what I called my pubescent years. Wink. I was 14 at the time...maybe younger. I was always angry, hated my parents, wanted to kill my siblings, had 2 or 3 friends and was just getting into the "dark child" phase. I'm still there, all gothed up, I just know what it means now. Any way, during this time in my life I was prone to spasms of horrid and terrible anger. Whenever an eruption occurred, I would stomp up to my room and stay there pouting for HOURS! I would write hate-poetry and even swear! So that's Camp 4. We've all been there. That's why we all relate to the angsty book character so well. Smile. You just need to know Camp 4 so that you can know this: I am not there right now. I know I'm not. I'm just going through some stuff. What am I going through you may ask? Well...that's why I write this, right? So I will can whine and complain and someday...be remembered. I hope.
So where am I then? I am in Texas, nearing the end of a semester I rushed into far too quickly, rouging it with two jobs, studying every day for hours, trying to get in exercise and, of course, my dancing. Doesn't sound so bad, does it? "Welcome to the real world!" everyone always says. Oh, trust me, I know the real world and I'm only half way there, so thanks for the mindless and rude welcome. But that doesn't stop what I'm going through being tough for me NOW.
Ok, so I'm not going to beat around the bush any more. I want to write about him. My White Butterfly. You will soon see that poem posted here! He is glorious and beautiful. Much better than that jerk I thought I was in love with. Enough said. Someday I may feel the need to explain myself further, but it will just horrify you. Trust me when I say this though, I have learned so much through that wretched relationship. And I thank God almost everyday that it is over.
So about this Butterfly. I've been seeing him in school every Tuesday and Thursday for a brief 5 minutes at the most. Most of that time though, is me gazing at him from a far. Yes, we have spoken and one time Anna and I did hang out with him and his friends for an hour at a Chinese restaurant, but that's it. I did sit next to him in church once and walk him out to his car, but that is it. For the whole semester. I talk to his best friend more often, but that's because I feel better doing that. You know what I mean. But this Butterfly is perfect in every way the other guy wans't. This Butterfly even dances! I pray about him often, but not often enough I fear...
I have been distant to the Great Spirit. And I know He wants me back so badly. I need to get in touch with Him again before the semester is out. Oh! And my vow is over. I made a vow when I was 18 to stay single until I was 21. Thank the stars I didn't ever really go out with the jerk! So now I want to see what He does about the Butterfly now that I am single AND my vow is over.
I am afraid I must end here for today. Constantine calls me! I will write sooner and more often though. Now that I have time. Sort of. Smile!
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