Monday, July 12, 2010

Chapter 11: A Long Expected Disapointment

I’m sorry this is not the long, catch-up chapter I promised, but it’s what’s on my mind and that’s what matters.
My journey to womanhood continues to not be what I expected or wanted. Just now, my mother called me immature and said I needed to grow up. This came about because I was upset about not being able to play Xbox live with my best guy friends. The kids have always hogged the xbox and made it near impossible for me to ever got on and play. I have yet to play with my friends and I wanted to tomorrow at 2 when they are both off work. That’s the problem is that we have to coordinate schedules.
I told the children that at 2 pm tomorrow I was going to get on and play with my friends. They explode into “you can’t do that” and “ you can’t just take over” and other various yellings.
I got mildly angry at them, shouted just once then left it alone. I went to talk to mom about it and got hardly emotional. I am trying to be honest here. She gets angry at me for that and says I need to grow up…and stop trying to be a “big person around here.” Oh, my dear mother! Is that not a contradiction?
She is impossible to live with. She wants me to be one thing, so long as she can still squish me underneath her. I am not allowed to really be what she wants. Because in reality, what she wants is for me to be submissive, quiet and obedient.
I’m sorry, but that is not going to happen.
I will not go quietly.
I will not be trod upon.
I am a woman.
I will be 21 years old in less than 5 months and I will then be an adult. I have to make money to get out of this house, with respect. I do not want to run, I want to leave in silence and be gone. Only then, when I am free from “her house” as she constantly reminds me, will I be a woman. So this blog is not how I thought it would be. It is still my journey to woman hood and I plan on writing more often now. Maybe even another entry today. I am still on my journey, I just now see where it may end. Obviously, my belief is that one never stops growing and learning, but to be the first level of woman is to be free. Be independent. Not stupid and crazy and superficial…independent. Free to make the right choices.
This will be all for now. Thank you if you have been reading I will write more now that I am backon my path.

No comments:

Post a Comment