Sunday, September 7, 2014

73: No, really. What am I Doing?

I'm 24 years old and I haven't a clue. I thought I did. I really did, actually. I wrote about it last time. But there is one other plan I want as well. I don't know which one is better, right, or more practical. Can I ever get the one I want? Can I get something else that will not make me a beggar on the streets?
I want a teaching job back in Kansas so I can make a troupe and dance at the KC Renaissance Festival every year. How shallow and silly is that? Who is that benefitting? No one but me, really. I mean, I know that it makes the patrons happy and that is good. Especially since the fest is a place people come to so they don't have to deal with Real Life on the weekends. And I don't care about that. I think ignoring life and coming out to play is a good thing. But is that something I can do of for the next 20 years of my life? Who says I have to have a job that settles me up for the next 20 years? It would be good though. Who wants to be fired and move around a lot? That's stressful. I'd like some security in my life but all my dreams don't involve that. Or a man, to be honest. Did you notice the absence of Magic Man? I did. Magic Man is a drop dead handsome guy who does adventurous things with me and has a lot of money. Or rather, enough so I don't HAVE to work but I can if I want and it would help out if I did. So, not a LOT of money. But enough for two, ambitious people.
School is freaking me out. I have no loans out yet, but that may change. Very soon. See, these fees I had not thought about have thrown off my money plan and my stipends didn't come in when I thought they would. And the scholarships I had renewed were only for undergrads, which I am not nay more. So I miss calculated. By a lot. So I'm about $1800 short and the school wants their money. I don't blame them. But I only have around...$300 maybe and the car needs: the window fixed, the door fixed (it won't open form the inside, it's all shattered), an oil change, gas (NOW!), and the alarm system looked at. Phew...
So no buying that cute hat and scarf I wanted this winter. I don't "need those things any way... I'll just wear my old one and my hat with cat-ears on it.
I didn't get a job during the summer because I spent forever setting up a Creative Writing class for homeschooled kids. Well, the parents decided last minute I was too expensive and they all bailed. Plus, the church I was trying to get a room from never, ever emailed or called me back. So no class there...Or work. I almost got a job as a manager at GameStop but I turned that down because I cannot currently make myself walk into a mall for work any more.
Sometimes I wonder about wasting my time. I also wonder why I cannot get the difference between "waist" and "waste" right. It's my biggest issue right now. I sit in my room for hours on end reading all the required texts, making notes, trying to think about applying what I'm reading, adventuring into the digital texts mentioned in the print texts and I still haven't paid the school. I owe them so much money and yet I am taking their classes. What if I can't pay it and I have to drop out and go work retail? Wasted hours--months--of my life. I should write too.
I say the same things over and over again. I write these blogs because there must be someone else out there with these issues (please...?) and because it forces me to write in a semi clear way. I have to organize my thoughts a little and try to make sense any way. So it's "writing". There. I did my bit for today.
And honestly, I took 3 days to write this post as it sat in my "drafts" bin. I suck and I need to do something about my life.

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