Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Chapter 27: The Journey is in Vain

This week has been a scary, steady heart beat. So close to flat-line, yet blipping every second or so to let me know I'm still okay. I had fun with new friends on Monday. After work at my early morning job, we went to Town Center, had lunch and then went to one of the groups houses where Bailey and I played pool for hours. I lost about four times and won once. It was super fun. I had looked forward to that day because of someone who was going to be there. I was so excited to see him that I could hardly sleep the night before! But when the time came, I basically ignored him. This seems to be my coping mechanism with guys I have crushes on. But this one is different then just a crush. I've only felt this twice before in my life. Sounds whorish I know, but I think that a person can have a special connection more than once. It just shows that that person to which you are drawn has something that your One True Love will have. I think that everyone has been drawn this way to more than one person in their life time. They just won't admit it. I have been truly drawn to only two people in my life. One was when I was very young. About ten I think. Yes, I  think it can happen at that young of an age. Next was last semester with that whole Parnell episode.
I thought about him the other day when I was showing Elise how he had blocked me from his facebook. I logged in with my ex's facebook and saw his pictures. My heart hurt all over again as I looked at him. I knew then, that that connection hadn't died. It's the same I feel when I look at the first boy I had that feeling for. He's married now, but still the echo sounds in my core.
Any way, my defense mechanism is to NOT talk to the guy I like. But, oh, how I want to! However, the same red flags are coming up with as did with my ex. Things about this new boy remind me of him. Things about this new boy make me question him since they relate to my ex. I'v being drawn to the same type of boy. And for the record, I did not feel The Connection with my ex. Ever. I just loved him. But I know--and knew then too--that it was not true love. I may have thought it was at certain times, but not for the entirety of our relationship. I just know. There were things about him that showed me. And my heart spoke loud and clear. So I am wary of this new boy. But how I like him! I am having to cling to my God all the more as my heart flutters and dances at the mere thought of this boy. But this is all beside the point!
The journey...
I hate my job at the mall. I have been sexually harassed by my manager there, he has lied to me, he and the assistant manager gang up on me, they are rude and mean to me (they have laughingly admitted to this) and they criticize everything I say. They have never spoken one kind or friendly word to me. I've told you about them before. To escape them, I applied for a job at UH's writing center. After preparing an entire week with essay editing and worry, I climbed into my car with google maps papers clutched in my hands to brave the horrid journey to downtown Houston in the middle of the afternoon. The hour drive was fine up until I got lost. It's unavoidable. I was in a place I had never been and no one could help me. I called a few places but had to leave voice mails. After going back and forth for 15 minutes, I find the UH campus. Then I have to find the building that I'm looking for. Turns out I have to park far far away and walk there. So I do. When I get to the interview, I suddenly get this feeling. "You're not a UH student yet. You're not going to get the job." I ignore the feeling I've had for weeks that is screaming at me now and proceed into the room. I meet someone named Ben and the Asian lady who had been sending me emails. I see they have the copies of my essay and resume in hand. We sit and she says, "When will you be graduating?" I tell her, "I hope in 2013," with perfect confidence. "Are you not a student here?" she asks for some reason. "No..." my brain says, my mouth following suit. The rest of the short conversation is all a blur. I stood up and left before I knew it. I didn't get it. I wasn't a UH student yet. I was trapped at my other job.
The sun had decided to come out now simply to burn my as I walked back to my car all the way on the other side of the campus. I get there to a surprise. What's the one thing that happens in the movies to make a characters day worse when they reach their car? A parking ticket. A disgusting, fat, yellow parking ticket. For fifty dollars no less!
My strength is gone, my hopes drowned and my mind is not even my own any more as I get in the car and drive the now hour and half drive back to my house.
So here I am. Sitting with fear on the edge of change as I wish I could have escaped a wretched job. God is showing me something. I just don't know what. He gives me this boy. Why? He puts me through this wretched journey to nothing. Why? God, what are you doing to my heart?

1 comment:

  1. I know how you feel. That connection does exist. I wish you didn't have to suffer through such pain, but "joy comes in the morning." This suffering is just for a time until God fulfills His plan in you. I know that doesn't make the pain any easier to bear, but it can give you a little bit of hope. Praying for you.