Saturday, December 3, 2011

Chapter 35: Why Are You Upset?

I always knew I wasn't the smartest person in the world. I know I struggled with quite a few subjects--mainly mathematics. But I try hard. Really hard. I was on the honor roll with a 3.5 and higher for 3 years in college. I admit, I'm not doing that well here in Texas (we've had this discussion before) but don't say things like "So you're stupid" to my face. Especially since you don't know.
I was at work (I'm not allowed to say where) doing my duty when a coworker came up to me and said, "You have a double chin. You're fat. Haha, just kidding. But no, you do." Need I say WTF? Just so you know, I'm not over weight. I'm not slim or muscular, but I'm not chunky either. Heck, I'm a belly dancer. I got angry, ignored him and went about my chores. An hour or less later, my other coworker began to work next to me and we start talking. We discussed school and I confessed that I don't test well on certain subjects. I went on to explain that I understand one class but my tests aren't that good. I sighed and said, "It's just not a subject I can test well in, but I get it." He smirked and said, "I hate it when people say they don't test well. Just means you don't know the material." I tried to explain that that may not be the case for every one. You can understand something without knowing every minute detail. But be he laughed again and said, "So you're just stupid."
It wasn't a question.
I stared back, my eyes not wide betraying my shock at his rudeness. I don't know what it is about being called stupid (perhaps how I was treated my whole life?), but I cannot stand it. Not in the least.
Somehow, I mustered the strength, smiled and said, "Yeah, something like that."
I cried the whole drive home from work. That stung really badly. I hate him now and that didn't change today either.
I was working with him again. In my head I had forgiven him and we were chatting again. I'm too nice. I'm a very kind and forgiving person. Not any more. I thought maybe he wouldn't do anything so stupid again. But no. We're talking about paranoia and I said something about being paranoid. Obviously, not forgetting what he said the other night he says, "Nah, you're not. Paranoid people are people who know all the facts. So that rules you out," he sayed pointedly, looking right into my eyes.
I wanted to take the pen in my hand and plunge it in his face. He did it again.
Fine, you want a confession? You want to know how stupid I am? I'm so stupid that I worked as a college writing tutor for two+ years. So stupid that I had an essay and a poem published in college magazines. So stupid that I teach Korean children English. So stupid that I maintained a higher GPA than he has probably ever had. So stupid that I learned to play almost 5 instruments and write music. how stupid I am, mister.
I'm sorry to be so vindictive, but I am finished with being forgiving and  kind. I was the sweet little goth girl at my job and I'm done with that. I am not speaking to him any more no matter how miserable I will be at work now. I'm used to work sucking.
But I will not let this infect my relationships with the others or who I am. Who am I right now? I am a woman who is happy with her looks, her hard life and the magical times I create just to get buy. I am God's personal dancer, worshiper, goth girl and servant. I am a child of the earth and seeker of all things beautiful. I am who I am. And to this jerk...I am his worst nightmare.

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