Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Chapter 37: A Side Note

I just wrote this letter to (my friend?) Aaron (yes, you remember him from a previous chapter) and I wanted to share it as it (vaguely) shows what I've been feeling the past week. It also touches on themes I've written about before: alone, everyone else's muse, parents, etc...So enjoy my long rant to a boy who didn't know what he was getting himself into when he volunteered himself as one of my vent dummies!

 Le mini rant ^_^
So last night was ok. We had about ten people in the audience because that place does not know how to market itself. But dancing was fun and I ignored the people for my newest solo (since my sword broke, I had to make a new routine...) and just listened to the music. It's a veil routine so it's really flowing and I hope to make it pretty cause the music is super feminine and really beautiful. But enough of that.
The other night was hard on my emotions cause we've been robbed before. Back in 2008, we visited my grandma in Wichita, which is 3 hours from our house in Kansas City. When we got home, the door to our house had been broken down, the alarm was going off and a lot of stuff was taken. Among the thousands of dollars of things taken was the one thing I swore I could not stand to lose: my laptop. I know it sounds trivial, but everything I had written since I was eleven was on there. I had two massive, finished novels on it as well as years worth of poetry and journals. My writing was everything to me and now everything I had ever said was gone. Along with that, my bed room had been ransacked, my clothes dumped out of my dresser, everything pulled out of my nightstand. I didn't even want to sleep in my room that night. 
So yesterday at one in the morning, someone did the same thing to my car. Everything had been gone through, CDs a close friend back in KC had given me were gone. Nothing vital was missing, but seeing another personal space violated brought back the feelings and memories and I couldn't sleep. I watched out my window until 5am to make sure no one came towards the house again. I know it was a silly thing to do, but I couldn't help it. Then yesterday on top of all that was a $900 engine bill for my car and the threat of 4 grand in tuition due next month. 
To throw something a little extra into the mix (some people don't ever believe me when I say this) but I have had been having spiritual feelings lately. Ever since I was eleven, I've been able to feel a spiritual movement. Whether it is something bad about to happen or something really amazing. This thing has played a large in my personal life since then. I can sense when something drastic will happen. I can do it for other people too and have on many occasions for my best friend El. So for a bit more than a week now, the feeling has been growing and the night of the car incident, I wrote in my journal about how the first phase of whatever I was feeling was about to take place. Two hours later, the car happens and all these old feelings and memories come up.
So I know now that whatever is going to happen has started happening. It's nothing globally dramatic or anything, just something to do with my life right now and my life (another long story) has had a tendency to effect others close to me in big ways. 
So all of this was just really boiling down on my yesterday. It's still there, but I need to get on with life. Too many times I've wished for a pause button so I can gather my thoughts, but who hasn't? And the best part, for me, is realizing that what I'm going through and have been going through is nothing compared to other people. Nothing at all. So I take a moment to be brought down by my trials, weep my bitter tears, scream my curses, but then I pick myself up again, put my traveling shoes on and continue down my path. But the moments of dark fear and anger are just as important. If I don't have them, then I'd poison myself. Already I release my venom on the world too often. All I can do is try. It's tragic in so many ways cause no one sees. My parents have no clue. They honestly don't know anything about me except that I get home late and belly dance and am a bit messy when I'm too busy to clean my room. I can forgive them when they scream at me, call me lazy and stupid cause I know otherwise. It's the things I know that no one else does that let me continue to live. It hurts that no one "sees" me (ever seen Avatar?). But I know and I know I am an instrument in God's much greater plan and that has to be compensation enough for me.
I'm about to get very poetic and dark and moany so I'll stop now before I have you thinking any more what a whiner I am ^_^ I do whine.  A lot. But thanks for letting me rant even if you never read all this. It was good to write a bit of it out and know that someone else could read it. 
Any way, there I go again! Thanks for the listen (er, read). 

Thank you and have a great Christmas if I don't see you before then!

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