Sunday, June 5, 2011

Chapter 29: Stonework Castle: The Fortress is Under Attack!

Are you attacking me? What is God doing? Who let you in to the fortress? Why are you trying to come in, this is my hideout!

I did almost fall for you. Not “fall in love”, but just “fall” for you. I bet you know why too. You literally just popped in to my life for twenty seconds and suddenly you want to contact me. Why? What happened in those twenty seconds that made you want to contact me? What was it? After you got the urge, what made you go through with contacting me? What were you thinking when you saw me? When you asked for my number? When you sent that first text? I am a young, strange, nobody to you. Why do you care? What do you care about about me?

You made it very clear that I can’t fall for you. I almost did though, you know. You can’t walk in to somebody’s life, unfold them, rip out their guts, expose their deepest fears, see the darkest corners of their souls and not be scared of it, be understanding and not judgmental and then not expect them to fall for you in some way. You found me. You Saw me and understood me. You could talk to me and expose me. You wanted me to be comfortable with that. I almost got there. But then you turn around and say “nothing more than a friend”…you can’t do that to an insecure little girl. That’s why I wonder. I wonder why you care if you won’t be anything more. Why are you investing this amount of time into a little, scared girl? Why are you pretending to care? You made her vulnerable, you opened yourself up to help her and now you are shutting her down. She doesn’t want to share with you. Why should she? You are just some guy who, for reasons unknown, got her number and mauled her open. She doesn’t want to talk to you about herself if exposing an sharing with you means nothing. It will not help her for you to value her, open her up, help her, understand her—if you are just a friend. You are not special enough to get that deep into her soul if you just a friend. She keeps her friends at bay. Friends belong outside the wall. Her parents will never understand either. She’s not a allowed to spend time with guys. So she can’t justify the time spent with you to her mother and father.

Aside from that, which is a whole other problem in itself, you invade her life, her privacy an made her think you were special. The one who was to get beyond those walls was supposed to be someone special. Which you have made it quite clear you are not. You are invading a space that was reserved for whoever God had in mind to be her love, her leader on earth, her Godsend—whatever you want to call the man who is suppose to hold her heart. This is not your space. That’s why she is so uncomfortable and so scared an angry that you are beyond those walls. It’s not the place for you. Or is it? This is what I think about most. Are you that one? If you feel like you may be, then why do you go in the opposite direction and say the opposite thing? What do you feel? How o you feel about her? It comes back to “why do you care?”. I won’t let you in any closer until you tell me. That’s what I want so badly to say, but I can’t. You’ve made it feel like the only way to get answers or move forward is to let you in. I’m stuck. I don’t want you in that space, beyond those walls. That’s for My Someone to do and see. But if I don’t let you in, how will I know if you’re him or not? So I am the who has to suffer and take the risk. I have to let you in to See me and know me like you already do. My heart is the one that beats with the fear of breaking. My heart is begging me to not put it on the line with you. It’s too unsure of everything. But my mind wants to know who you are, why you are doing this and what your heart is saying. You said I would be good for you. I’ve heard that before, but that was from someone who was special at the time. You said you don’t want to be special to me. But you want to be a supportive and understanding friend. Need I remind you, sir, YOU stepped into MY life. Don’t dash in front of me during such an insecure part of my life, say you can save me and then leave me “as a friend”…not after you made me fall for you for a brief moment. I am still fallen. But I am picking myself up again, watching your every move to see if you will help me up and hold my hand. I am forced to let you in to my walls, barricade and fortress. This fortress has not been penetrated before. Now you’re here, what do you want? If it is to leave me “as a friend”, then you can go now. Cause this is not your place. Please…don’t break my heart; it’s beating to keep me alive and if it breaks, it won’t work. I need my heart. I need it to beat for someone. Tell me about God and if you’ve heard Him speak.

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