I wish I could remember things better. I forget everything. I forget my keys in the two seconds it takes me to walk out my bedroom door. I’ll open the fridge and not know what I’m doing. I’ll think of something, go downstairs and forget what it was I was going to get. I’ll pack up for school and forget my wallet, then see it’s missing and not be able to retrace my steps to where I may have lost it, totally unaware that I took it out earlier. I never remember that stuff. I lose my cell, keys, iPod, everything all the time. Not just like other people. I can’t retrace my steps either. Ever. I turn left when I say out loud “Turn right”. I never which direction I’m facing, but that’s relatively normal. I can set my mug down, turn to something for three seconds then storm around in a rage looking for my mug. I scream and shout then am clam not ten seconds later.
My life goes up and down that fast all the time. That’s the first reason for how tired I am sometimes. And why I don’t like being around people. What will they think when I’m blistering angry one second and literally the next, I’m slapping backs and making jokes. Who can handle that kind of person? Handling that is hard work too.
I also forget social niceties. I don’t remember that I’m supposed to say hello to people who are standing by me. I’ll forget to introduce myself or my friends. I’ll forget to say goodbye and walk away from people leaving them awkward. This happened recently. I was in the coffee store and Anna introduced me to one of her coworkers. We talked for a long time and then I just up and walked out the door after the conversation was winding down. He called after me to say goodbye. I was nearly traumatized. I’ll say things that shouldn’t be said in social situations about myself or others. I don’t mean to until it’s out of my mouth. When I try to behave, I’m quiet. So quiet that people ask me what’s wrong. “Nothing, just trying to be socially correct” or something to that extent.
I can sit quietly for hours and listen to people talk. Then forget half of what that said or what I was supposed to do after. If I can stand hours of people. Things start to turn gray and I freak out after a while. I can’t meet new people. It irritates me. There are rules and steps that I can’t remember so I hate doing it. And I know those people don’t really want to talk to me and know about me. Everyone else just wants to talk. That makes me feel strange too. Knowing that no one cares. It’s like being around a bunch of androids. You’re not real to them so they’re not real to you.
Trying to be social with them is horrible. I can’t do it. Not just because I can’t remember what to do, but because they react. They judge or don’t do anything. Condemn you or no reaction. They pass a judgment then go on about their lives. Or they jabber away while their android eyes are fixed on their screens and buttons. Scary things, these people. But my mind doesn’t work when I’m around other people. I have to freeze.
Or I act the part of the comedian. That’s my best, strongest, and most acceptable fall back. Everyone loves a joker, so that’s what I be. Sometimes my other problems interfere and I can’t even think. So I’m quiet again. Silence more often than not, as you see. I’d be a great comedian. I’m witty enough. I fall back on humor all the time. It’s the only way I can be around people. I’m sure it’s the only way people tolerate me as well. I’m too down, too awkward, too quiet, too forgetful.
But I try so hard and by the end of the day, I am exhausted. It’s hard to interact. To remember all that stuff. What to say when, what not to say, what I’ve forgot, I check my calendar every minute of every day. I fill in every line with things to not forget. It’s a mess. Highlighted and scribbled to within an inch of its life. This, among other reasons, could be why I cry when I'm driving or taking a walk by myself. Last night, I walked along and sat by the lake in the dark. I had my iPod on so I don't know how loudly I was really crying. I do that often. Sometimes 3 or 4 times a week. Sometimes less. Other times I giddy-happy. To the point of near hysteria. I smile and laugh at nothing. If you've ever seen someone do it, then you know what I mean, otherwise you can't imagine. It's the craziest thing. Or I do girlish squee noises and sigh happily. But within an hour or so, I'm crying again. I cry while brushing my teeth sometimes.
I’m only writing this now because I’m forgetting a lot more. And I can’t organize my papers and stories any more. I have to outline and draft and outline. Something is happening in my head and I don’t know what it is. It’s not bad, I’m sure, or scary. It’s like moving a couch to a different side of the room after 20 years of it being in one place. Just a shift that I’ll learn how to handle like everything else. If there is one thing I’m good at (even if I scream, kick and cry at first) it’s adapting. For someone who never remembers and is never in one place very long, adaption is easy. It’s how I live.