Chapter 37: A Side Note

I just wrote this letter to (my friend?) Aaron (yes, you remember him from a previous chapter) and I wanted to share it as it (vaguely) shows what I've been feeling the past week. It also touches on themes I've written about before: alone, everyone else's muse, parents, etc...So enjoy my long rant to a boy who didn't know what he was getting himself into when he volunteered himself as one of my vent dummies!

 Le mini rant ^_^

So last night was ok. We had about ten people in the audience because that place does not know how to market itself. But dancing was fun and I ignored the people for my newest solo (since my sword broke, I had to make a new routine...) and just listened to the music. It's a veil routine so it's really flowing and I hope to make it pretty cause the music is super feminine and really beautiful. But enough of that.

The other night was hard on my emotions cause we've been robbed before. Back in 2008, we visited my grandma in Wichita, which is 3 hours from our house in Kansas City. When we got home, the door to our house had been broken down, the alarm was going off and a lot of stuff was taken. Among the thousands of dollars of things taken was the one thing I swore I could not stand to lose: my laptop. I know it sounds trivial, but everything I had written since I was eleven was on there. I had two massive, finished novels on it as well as years worth of poetry and journals. My writing was everything to me and now everything I had ever said was gone. Along with that, my bed room had been ransacked, my clothes dumped out of my dresser, everything pulled out of my nightstand. I didn't even want to sleep in my room that night. 

So yesterday at one in the morning, someone did the same thing to my car. Everything had been gone through, CDs a close friend back in KC had given me were gone. Nothing vital was missing, but seeing another personal space violated brought back the feelings and memories and I couldn't sleep. I watched out my window until 5am to make sure no one came towards the house again. I know it was a silly thing to do, but I couldn't help it. Then yesterday on top of all that was a $900 engine bill for my car and the threat of 4 grand in tuition due next month. 

To throw something a little extra into the mix (some people don't ever believe me when I say this) but I have had been having spiritual feelings lately. Ever since I was eleven, I've been able to feel a spiritual movement. Whether it is something bad about to happen or something really amazing. This thing has played a large in my personal life since then. I can sense when something drastic will happen. I can do it for other people too and have on many occasions for my best friend El. So for a bit more than a week now, the feeling has been growing and the night of the car incident, I wrote in my journal about how the first phase of whatever I was feeling was about to take place. Two hours later, the car happens and all these old feelings and memories come up.

So I know now that whatever is going to happen has started happening. It's nothing globally dramatic or anything, just something to do with my life right now and my life (another long story) has had a tendency to effect others close to me in big ways. 

So all of this was just really boiling down on my yesterday. It's still there, but I need to get on with life. Too many times I've wished for a pause button so I can gather my thoughts, but who hasn't? And the best part, for me, is realizing that what I'm going through and have been going through is nothing compared to other people. Nothing at all. So I take a moment to be brought down by my trials, weep my bitter tears, scream my curses, but then I pick myself up again, put my traveling shoes on and continue down my path. But the moments of dark fear and anger are just as important. If I don't have them, then I'd poison myself. Already I release my venom on the world too often. All I can do is try. It's tragic in so many ways cause no one sees. My parents have no clue. They honestly don't know anything about me except that I get home late and belly dance and am a bit messy when I'm too busy to clean my room. I can forgive them when they scream at me, call me lazy and stupid cause I know otherwise. It's the things I know that no one else does that let me continue to live. It hurts that no one "sees" me (ever seen Avatar?). But I know and I know I am an instrument in God's much greater plan and that has to be compensation enough for me.

I'm about to get very poetic and dark and moany so I'll stop now before I have you thinking any more what a whiner I am ^_^ I do whine.  A lot. But thanks for letting me rant even if you never read all this. It was good to write a bit of it out and know that someone else could read it. 

Any way, there I go again! Thanks for the listen (er, read). 

  

Thank you and have a great Christmas if I don't see you before then!

Chapter 36: Finer Things in Life

This post is really just going to be me babbling along as I have time to post on my blog right now. Later to day, I have to teach my Korean students and I really should be studying for my Geology final, but I'd rather write. The other day I opened my book one file to my Legends Trilogy (which my be renamed) and read several pages. My writing was actually decent a couple years ago. One thing I edited while reading the first eight or so pages was adding in artistic finery. I told a good story, my characters are cute and likable, the opening was strong...everything was okay, except there was no art to it! No fancy words, no dark meanings, no poetic etiquette in the descriptions at all. C'mon, Abigail, it's a vampire fairy tale! I'm not saying I want to break my One and Only Rule of Writing, but it did need some pzazz.
I know I never look it, but I've always wanted to be more elegant and fabulously adorned. I probably mentioned something about this while I was reading through Mrs. Venture's book (which is amazing and if you know a goth or are one you NEED to read it!) and now I am saying it again. I want to be a lady for crying out loud! I love my rocker look but I can hardly rock that on a time crunch. So I need to save up and buy only rocker and elegant clothes. How shallow do I sound right now? Hahah, I'm just tiered of everything I am and doing being so intermediate and base level. These feelings have to do with me being the muse. Something I know I've ranted about before. Nothing is for me. I inspire others and get left behind. But that's what I want to change.
Another finer thing in life is how I need some spiritual growth. I am so stunted but still growing older. I sent in an application my new churches "Home Team" organizer and they are supposed to help me find a social group suited for me in the church that meets in my area. I decided to be sneaky and enroll in a "singles" team. Maybe God will get a nudge.
That's another finer thing. I have been more sappy and romantic recently than I have been in quite some time. I won't elaborate on these gushy, heart-filled, pink day dreams, but here they are. I have been burning with a desire recently. It gets very distracting sometimes. But at least it has me coming back to where I need to be. Whenever these romantic thoughts and passions erupt in me, I turn back to my spirituality. Which is a good things. I need to grow in that department. But here I am, longing for a man. A very specific kind too. Aww, how I wish....ANY WAY.
School is almost over for this semester and the next draws so close too fast. I get a month off and I hope in that time to save money, dance, get good tips and write. I cannot wait for this next semester as half my classes will be literature and creative writing. I am so excited! Writing stories and poems for school again! I'm not going to recycle any of my old work from my first Creative Writing class for this one. I want all new stuff to show. I am new and I will show it! I hope. I just hope I can save up. Speaking of which..I have some online scholarships I need to apply for...deadlines are soon and I would really like that money. Just a couple hundred dollars would really help. I'll do my best.
Alright, that's enough for now. I will probably write more useless and boring blog entries as I will (hopefully) have more time now that school is out. I will also be working more. Ugh....
Fair well and don't forget to focus on the fineries and elegance of life!

Update!
I applied for 3 scholarships! One of those being the L. Ron Hubbard's Writers of the Future scholarship. I hope I win. One was a random drawing of $2000, another was a 250 word essay competition and the last was the WOTF competition. I submitted my story "Snow Angels" for it. I hope I win. I could really use that money.

Chapter 35: Why Are You Upset?

I always knew I wasn't the smartest person in the world. I know I struggled with quite a few subjects--mainly mathematics. But I try hard. Really hard. I was on the honor roll with a 3.5 and higher for 3 years in college. I admit, I'm not doing that well here in Texas (we've had this discussion before) but don't say things like "So you're stupid" to my face. Especially since you don't know.
I was at work (I'm not allowed to say where) doing my duty when a coworker came up to me and said, "You have a double chin. You're fat. Haha, just kidding. But no, you do." Need I say WTF? Just so you know, I'm not over weight. I'm not slim or muscular, but I'm not chunky either. Heck, I'm a belly dancer. I got angry, ignored him and went about my chores. An hour or less later, my other coworker began to work next to me and we start talking. We discussed school and I confessed that I don't test well on certain subjects. I went on to explain that I understand one class but my tests aren't that good. I sighed and said, "It's just not a subject I can test well in, but I get it." He smirked and said, "I hate it when people say they don't test well. Just means you don't know the material." I tried to explain that that may not be the case for every one. You can understand something without knowing every minute detail. But be he laughed again and said, "So you're just stupid."
It wasn't a question.
I stared back, my eyes not wide betraying my shock at his rudeness. I don't know what it is about being called stupid (perhaps how I was treated my whole life?), but I cannot stand it. Not in the least.
Somehow, I mustered the strength, smiled and said, "Yeah, something like that."
I cried the whole drive home from work. That stung really badly. I hate him now and that didn't change today either.
I was working with him again. In my head I had forgiven him and we were chatting again. I'm too nice. I'm a very kind and forgiving person. Not any more. I thought maybe he wouldn't do anything so stupid again. But no. We're talking about paranoia and I said something about being paranoid. Obviously, not forgetting what he said the other night he says, "Nah, you're not. Paranoid people are people who know all the facts. So that rules you out," he sayed pointedly, looking right into my eyes.
I wanted to take the pen in my hand and plunge it in his face. He did it again.
Fine, you want a confession? You want to know how stupid I am? I'm so stupid that I worked as a college writing tutor for two+ years. So stupid that I had an essay and a poem published in college magazines. So stupid that I teach Korean children English. So stupid that I maintained a higher GPA than he has probably ever had. So stupid that I learned to play almost 5 instruments and write music. THAT...is how stupid I am, mister.
I'm sorry to be so vindictive, but I am finished with being forgiving and  kind. I was the sweet little goth girl at my job and I'm done with that. I am not speaking to him any more no matter how miserable I will be at work now. I'm used to work sucking.
But I will not let this infect my relationships with the others or who I am. Who am I right now? I am a woman who is happy with her looks, her hard life and the magical times I create just to get buy. I am God's personal dancer, worshiper, goth girl and servant. I am a child of the earth and seeker of all things beautiful. I am who I am. And to this jerk...I am his worst nightmare.

Chapter 34: Danse Magique, danse!

Getting through is tough, but afterwards you feel great for a bit. I watched "Your Highness" with my sister on Halloween night to try and save myself. Worked, hu? But this is all behind me and I don't want to talk about it any more...

Started reading "The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod" and I love it. Is it literary genius? No. Is it a good story with lovable characters? Yup!
Got a B on my most recent Psychology test. I was a 4.0 back in KC, but that's been slipping ever since moving to Texas. My theories are ringing true. Help, my IQ is dropping! The sad part is that that B was a step up. I'm not going to talk about my other grades any more though, it's too depressing. But because I did ok on my recent tests, I bough myself a Moorish scimitar to dance my solo with. It's a long way away, but will be here soon! I'm very excited to have it. Also, I got a lot of Rachel Brice DVDs to practice with when I have time (hahaha...) since I can't make it to class recently. Their really good in the yoga sections, which no other belly dancer seems to think is important to the dance. Duh...
Tokio Hotel won the MTV Music awards! My sister and I voted every day and it paid off for them. We were very happy.
So now I have tons of French homework to do and I should get to it before I run out of time. I have a test tomorrow and that means lots of freak out. I have my cell phone set up to sound an alarm every time it's time for me to switch to a new homeowork subject and that will be soon. I need to do. Been Frenching for more than an hour and feel like I haven't gotten anything done. TTYL!

Chapter 33: If anything....

I haven’t been in this emotional state for years. The state where your own house feels alien and your bed room, once your sanctuary suddenly feels so fragile and temporary. Emotions are charged but not cluttered. My mind is queenly selfish; all I can think about is myself right now. I cannot succeed at life. Why do things when others can do them better? Why go on with school when grades are suffering and may never get better? Why go to work when all one does is spend the money again? School is killing me. It’s going to destroy my life. I can’t do it. I’m failing.

This feeling of being alien in your own home I mentioned happens when time drifts into nonexistence and you can’t—and won’t—count it any more. It doesn’t matter because you made your mind: All these questions don’t need to be answered because it’s going to end. YOU are going to end it. Why try and cheer up when it’s going to come back? This lose, failure, destruction, lameness…it’s all going to come back and drag you back down. You spend more time down than anything else. No one is thinking of you  (lack of internet social interactivity is proof enough), no one is texting you, calling you, needing you…You are a waste of space on this earth, getting bad grades. It’s time to leave. You will never have the love you want, the man of your dreams. Your depression is too strong for you. For me. I can’t stand it. What good am I? I had plans, but it’s all determined by this stupid school. They killed my dreams and hope. I have nothing left.

Bad grades cannot be fixed, parents who despise and will never respect you are just that. The only thing you have is yourself and you are letting you down. You cannot fix any of this. Nothing is good any more. It never was, I was just under the illusion it was.

Why don’t I do it now? Not because I secretly think it will get better, I know it won’t. Or if it does, it just gets worse again. What do I have to live for? Nothing. I don’t do it because I’m afraid. Not of the Afterlife, just afraid. I could do it. I know so many simple ways. But I’m too much of a coward to take the cowards way out.

I am nothing. I am an empty shell with nothing left to give. I gave and gave and gave. I helped other people, inspired them to do things, worked for them, slaved for them, bowed under their feet, been used and abused by them. What have I gotten back? Plans of nothingness and bad grades to ruin my life. I’m a stranger now on this planet. I want to go home.    

If anything, dear God, let me dance the Macabre tonight. Please. 

Chapter 32: I Can't Speak French

I was at a loss for the first chapter title in weeks. Months? It's true though. I'm taking French at the University and it's so hard. It was simple at first and I loved it. Then we started conjugating verbs and it was all down hill. Apparently, that's all you do in French so I've having to work super-duper-extra-chocolaty-fudge-covered hard at it. About 6 hours a week just on French. But it will be worth it. I want to speak it fluently. And then teach English in France. There is a chance for second year French students to live in Angers for 5 weeks this summer, but it is far too expensive for me. Sad considering Angers is only an hour from Paris and my tower. I would so love to see it. I started crying in class when we were being told about it. I must visit my France someday. Why do I love it so much? I promise it's not for the normal, shallow and uninteresting reasons of every other female in the world, and because I claim that, I cannot explain it any more. I just love it. Some of my ancestors are from there and spoke the language. The Scottish ones. Hahah, that makes sense. But it's part of me and I want to know it.
It's also raining. For the first time in more than a year, it has rained for more than five minutes. It's October and finally it is cloudy, grey and raining. How marvelous! I need the grey and gloom. I haven't been able to write a single inspired word since moving to Texas. With ten months of pure Summer and some odd back and forth months, there is no change in the seasons and so the people hear never get to change. They laps into this ugly, humid rut and their brains start to decay and become useless. Now it's happening to me! My imagination, thought and cleverness are melting away. With no reason to change and deal with Mother Nature, the Texan man has become useless!
I could go on, but I've exhausted this speech with my acquaintances here.
I've also been on the search for a good cemetery for photography and haven't had any luck yet. Sigh...
Life is changing for me. Not the weather though. It's hard to meet new things and make something amazing out of them when your brain and soul are now dormant, inanimate objects!

Chapter 31: How Great Is Our God?

Yes, how great? Is He great enough to bring my brother home? Great enough to make sure he was not on that helicopter that was shot down? Great enough to let his wife know he's ok? Great enough to let my brother fly all over the world at 30,000+ feet at hundreds of miles per hour protecting our country? Great enough to make sure he is invisible while behind enemy lines doing his secret jobs for America?
I have to believe that the answer is yes. If I don't, I die from worry and panic--my constant companions in life already. Ever times the news comes on in the morning, I listen. I have to. Normally it's nothing to worry about. But every once in a while, a detail is given that makes my heart flutter, halt, then pound like a pagan war drum. M head spins and I can't breath for moment when they mention something about the Air Force. Or other things. Anything that means him. My brave, crazy brother. I trust in his wisdom, smarts, skills and all that he had been taught and figured out on his own...but God? Can I trust God to protect him? Can I give my brother to God? I have given over so many men to Him and, as of yet, nothing has come of it. That I can see...
To day and everyday, I need to be reminded how great our God is. Why do I need to be reminded? Because I am human. I have no freakin' clue how great He is. I need to start looking and find out.