Chapter 30: My World, His World

I bought a journal again to try to keep myself into writing about myself. And writing in general. It's working with somethings...new music is up on the youtube account so don't forget to check that out! Also, I put together my solo music for my dance debut (whenever that is!) and I'm pretty proud of it. I'm saving up for a white costume now and (maybe) two Moorish scimitars and a white veil. It's going to be pretty epic. I also have my drum solo music picked out, which I will probably choreograph first. It's much easier.

NOTE: The guy from Chapter 29 is totally gone, just so you know. And I love it. Did he go back on his word and not be a friend when I needed one? Yes, but that's ok. Men do that.

I have these awesome fake nails on (trimmed them, painted them and glued them myself!) so it’s hard to type and therefore this may be shorter than normal because I can hardly stand the frustration of typing with long nails.

While on my way home from teaching the other day, I was thinking about God. Duh…I’ve been thinking about how I’m kind of cutting Him out of my life. Not on purpose, just not getting into the word and spending much time praying. Thought I did give a person in my life to God recently. But I don’t think He’s going to do anything until I change up a bit. So any way, what I was thinking is simple.

I created Celroth Do’non. That is the world in my Generations series of fantasy novels (it’s been years since I’ve typed that name…). I love Glenn, my chosen hero, and his brothers. And all the people I picked to help him out. They are mine and (strange as it may sound) they love me. Glenn has been with me for years.

So this is my world. A world I love, have nurtured, adored, devastate, rebuilt, taken hope from, given hope to. It’s all mine and I love them. Now, how would I feel if someone else came up, stole my manuscript, changed it around and turned it into something it was not? I would scream and be furious. I would want to kill them. Someone else coming in and taking over MY world. Making MY people do what they said! Argh, how that would burn me. My people forgetting me and listening to someone else.

Hello, God, does this sound familiar?

I would want my people back, but more than that—if they could—I would want them to want ME back. If they did—and if I could see that they did—of course I would help them come back. I can’t just go and take them back. They have to want to come back. Then it would be all the more precious. I would do what I could to bring them back, remind them who they really belong to, but it would be up to them to make the choice. I love them and cannot make them to anything they don’t want to.

Am I getting close, God?

This is our world. What I have just described is earth. We were the Creator’s and now we have been stolen…and almost no one is listening for His call. We’re all too busy worrying about our nonexistent love life, or money, school and job. Shove those and move on with your REAL life! God is calling you back to Him. That’s what I learned. Now I just have to get it right. He is calling me and I need to respond. I just wrote my personal fantasy peace “The Eternal”. The knight had to leave his family and worldly things just like Christ commanded. We need to too. I worry so much about finding a man to heal my broken heart and sooth my soul. I need to stop that. Only God can save me that way. I worry about money for school. If God wants me there—yes, I need to work for it—but He will provide. He will. He wants you to do what He wants you to do so He will make it happen.

Look at me preaching….I’m so good at theory. Let’s see how it plays out in real life. But these are things I’ve learned again and again. I hope it sticks this time. I took one step. I gave a boy I like to God. It feels good to not have him on my mind all the time. Why did I have to give him to God? Because he doesn’t know God like I do. He’s off limits. So all I can do is be a witness an pray.

That was side tracking, but whatever! I’ve learned a lot since my last devastating entry thanks to the two wise women of my life: my best friend and my sister-in-law. I am blessed, but I am blind.

Wild Heart: An Improvised Poem

Come back
you silly wild thing!
Stop this
running
panting
searching
desiring
Or you will bleed
to death.

How many times
little wild one
will you run
at the first sighting?
You can only
break so many times.

A wild heart
is a curse.
The fire inside must
burn bright.
It is wild fire.
When it escapes
all in its path
are devoured.

Stay still
wild heart
or you will
destroy
the world...

The rubble you make
and the stone around
you...
who will raise
you now?

Stupid wild heart
see what you made
me do?
Fire burns and
the pain lingers 
long.

Leave them alone
stop chasing them.
Look at yourself
wild heart.
Love yourself.

Chapter 29: Stonework Castle: The Fortress is Under Attack!

Are you attacking me? What is God doing? Who let you in to the fortress? Why are you trying to come in, this is my hideout!

I did almost fall for you. Not “fall in love”, but just “fall” for you. I bet you know why too. You literally just popped in to my life for twenty seconds and suddenly you want to contact me. Why? What happened in those twenty seconds that made you want to contact me? What was it? After you got the urge, what made you go through with contacting me? What were you thinking when you saw me? When you asked for my number? When you sent that first text? I am a young, strange, nobody to you. Why do you care? What do you care about about me?


You made it very clear that I can’t fall for you. I almost did though, you know. You can’t walk in to somebody’s life, unfold them, rip out their guts, expose their deepest fears, see the darkest corners of their souls and not be scared of it, be understanding and not judgmental and then not expect them to fall for you in some way. You found me. You Saw me and understood me. You could talk to me and expose me. You wanted me to be comfortable with that. I almost got there. But then you turn around and say “nothing more than a friend”…you can’t do that to an insecure little girl. That’s why I wonder. I wonder why you care if you won’t be anything more. Why are you investing this amount of time into a little, scared girl? Why are you pretending to care? You made her vulnerable, you opened yourself up to help her and now you are shutting her down. She doesn’t want to share with you. Why should she? You are just some guy who, for reasons unknown, got her number and mauled her open. She doesn’t want to talk to you about herself if exposing an sharing with you means nothing. It will not help her for you to value her, open her up, help her, understand her—if you are just a friend. You are not special enough to get that deep into her soul if you just a friend. She keeps her friends at bay. Friends belong outside the wall. Her parents will never understand either. She’s not a allowed to spend time with guys. So she can’t justify the time spent with you to her mother and father.

Aside from that, which is a whole other problem in itself, you invade her life, her privacy an made her think you were special. The one who was to get beyond those walls was supposed to be someone special. Which you have made it quite clear you are not. You are invading a space that was reserved for whoever God had in mind to be her love, her leader on earth, her Godsend—whatever you want to call the man who is suppose to hold her heart. This is not your space. That’s why she is so uncomfortable and so scared an angry that you are beyond those walls. It’s not the place for you. Or is it? This is what I think about most. Are you that one? If you feel like you may be, then why do you go in the opposite direction and say the opposite thing? What do you feel? How o you feel about her? It comes back to “why do you care?”. I won’t let you in any closer until you tell me. That’s what I want so badly to say, but I can’t. You’ve made it feel like the only way to get answers or move forward is to let you in. I’m stuck. I don’t want you in that space, beyond those walls. That’s for My Someone to do and see. But if I don’t let you in, how will I know if you’re him or not? So I am the who has to suffer and take the risk. I have to let you in to See me and know me like you already do. My heart is the one that beats with the fear of breaking. My heart is begging me to not put it on the line with you. It’s too unsure of everything. But my mind wants to know who you are, why you are doing this and what your heart is saying. You said I would be good for you. I’ve heard that before, but that was from someone who was special at the time. You said you don’t want to be special to me. But you want to be a supportive and understanding friend. Need I remind you, sir, YOU stepped into MY life. Don’t dash in front of me during such an insecure part of my life, say you can save me and then leave me “as a friend”…not after you made me fall for you for a brief moment. I am still fallen. But I am picking myself up again, watching your every move to see if you will help me up and hold my hand. I am forced to let you in to my walls, barricade and fortress. This fortress has not been penetrated before. Now you’re here, what do you want? If it is to leave me “as a friend”, then you can go now. Cause this is not your place. Please…don’t break my heart; it’s beating to keep me alive and if it breaks, it won’t work. I need my heart. I need it to beat for someone. Tell me about God and if you’ve heard Him speak.

Chapter 28: He's gone, but the King is back!

After the sadness of yesterday and seeing the boy I like with someone else, I had a revelation while in the shower. Soon I will tell you about Jinx, my fairie friend who I met in Kansas. But first, the revelation!
The one reason I have turned down guy after guy after guy is because I know they do not have the ability to be a spiritual leader for me. While this is important, I have been taking it too far. I was looking for a man to save me. To drag me back to the path of great and safe spirituality! It's like I didn't even want to journey on the path together, I just wanted him to lead me. Suddenly, I realized what I was doing wrong. I was leaving God out of His own equation. I didn't even want Him to save me. I wanted someone else to. WRONG, Mirella! So wrong! How could I even think that? Oh, I'm human, oops...
I need God to lead me to Himself. He's been calling me. I've felt that for ages and Sonni pointed it out to me a few weeks ago. God must save me and I must follow Him down the path. Sounds simple, I know! But it comes in the most unlikely ways. You may not be following God down His path, but you think you are. But you're not. So when this revelation hit, I rinsed out my hair and closed my eyes to soak up the hot water. Then, in the darkness I saw him. There was my old friend Jinx standing at the end of a hallway that looked like a high school hall from a Frank Peretti novel. His hair was not spiked any more or streaked with purple. He wasn't glittering any more and his clothes were dark jeans and a black t-shirt. He looked at me for a moment, turned then moved his hand like he was going to wave, but didn't. He just walked with his back to me, down the hall, around the corner and into the light. He was gone. I don't know if I'll see him again or not. I feel like he was linked to my trying to figure this out. And now that I have, he's gone. I miss him though. A little. I know I will. He was my weird friend back when I needed someone and no other people were around. But I'll know what's wrong when I see him again, I guess. I'm happy though. I want God now. I want to see hat He does now that I know hat to do and will do it. What about boys? Belly Dance? School? A job? I have  so much to figure out and do.
Do these things withe me, God. And thank you so much for Blogger's autosave...my battery went out and I'm finishing this post about 20 minutes later. My computer crashed when I turned it back on. So thank You!

Chapter 27: The Journey is in Vain

This week has been a scary, steady heart beat. So close to flat-line, yet blipping every second or so to let me know I'm still okay. I had fun with new friends on Monday. After work at my early morning job, we went to Town Center, had lunch and then went to one of the groups houses where Bailey and I played pool for hours. I lost about four times and won once. It was super fun. I had looked forward to that day because of someone who was going to be there. I was so excited to see him that I could hardly sleep the night before! But when the time came, I basically ignored him. This seems to be my coping mechanism with guys I have crushes on. But this one is different then just a crush. I've only felt this twice before in my life. Sounds whorish I know, but I think that a person can have a special connection more than once. It just shows that that person to which you are drawn has something that your One True Love will have. I think that everyone has been drawn this way to more than one person in their life time. They just won't admit it. I have been truly drawn to only two people in my life. One was when I was very young. About ten I think. Yes, I  think it can happen at that young of an age. Next was last semester with that whole Parnell episode.
I thought about him the other day when I was showing Elise how he had blocked me from his facebook. I logged in with my ex's facebook and saw his pictures. My heart hurt all over again as I looked at him. I knew then, that that connection hadn't died. It's the same I feel when I look at the first boy I had that feeling for. He's married now, but still the echo sounds in my core.
Any way, my defense mechanism is to NOT talk to the guy I like. But, oh, how I want to! However, the same red flags are coming up with as did with my ex. Things about this new boy remind me of him. Things about this new boy make me question him since they relate to my ex. I'v being drawn to the same type of boy. And for the record, I did not feel The Connection with my ex. Ever. I just loved him. But I know--and knew then too--that it was not true love. I may have thought it was at certain times, but not for the entirety of our relationship. I just know. There were things about him that showed me. And my heart spoke loud and clear. So I am wary of this new boy. But how I like him! I am having to cling to my God all the more as my heart flutters and dances at the mere thought of this boy. But this is all beside the point!
The journey...
I hate my job at the mall. I have been sexually harassed by my manager there, he has lied to me, he and the assistant manager gang up on me, they are rude and mean to me (they have laughingly admitted to this) and they criticize everything I say. They have never spoken one kind or friendly word to me. I've told you about them before. To escape them, I applied for a job at UH's writing center. After preparing an entire week with essay editing and worry, I climbed into my car with google maps papers clutched in my hands to brave the horrid journey to downtown Houston in the middle of the afternoon. The hour drive was fine up until I got lost. It's unavoidable. I was in a place I had never been and no one could help me. I called a few places but had to leave voice mails. After going back and forth for 15 minutes, I find the UH campus. Then I have to find the building that I'm looking for. Turns out I have to park far far away and walk there. So I do. When I get to the interview, I suddenly get this feeling. "You're not a UH student yet. You're not going to get the job." I ignore the feeling I've had for weeks that is screaming at me now and proceed into the room. I meet someone named Ben and the Asian lady who had been sending me emails. I see they have the copies of my essay and resume in hand. We sit and she says, "When will you be graduating?" I tell her, "I hope in 2013," with perfect confidence. "Are you not a student here?" she asks for some reason. "No..." my brain says, my mouth following suit. The rest of the short conversation is all a blur. I stood up and left before I knew it. I didn't get it. I wasn't a UH student yet. I was trapped at my other job.
The sun had decided to come out now simply to burn my as I walked back to my car all the way on the other side of the campus. I get there to a surprise. What's the one thing that happens in the movies to make a characters day worse when they reach their car? A parking ticket. A disgusting, fat, yellow parking ticket. For fifty dollars no less!
My strength is gone, my hopes drowned and my mind is not even my own any more as I get in the car and drive the now hour and half drive back to my house.
So here I am. Sitting with fear on the edge of change as I wish I could have escaped a wretched job. God is showing me something. I just don't know what. He gives me this boy. Why? He puts me through this wretched journey to nothing. Why? God, what are you doing to my heart?

Chapter 26: The Lucky Ones

I have fantasized--with good reason--for years that I was a maiden here on earth with a curse upon her. My curse: To bad luck to others and to be alone and miserable. I always thought that it was God's way of making sport. "Let me see how miserable I can make this one mortal, human, girl!" No, I did want this to be another sad, moping, ranting post...I had a nice long, happy one planned out but I never write those ideas down so they never make it on here. I've decided that during the day I need to write down the things I want to write about so I don't forget them and so that way a happy post WILL make it on here! Those happy-posts seem to be an endangered species. I will fix that though. I need to show some joy every once in a while.
Well, to day at work just sucked as usual. I don't even need to go into details at this point, I don't think. But mostly what I thought about while text-counciling one of my friends and thinking about how how two people I know just had sex with each other, I thought "Parents always say their kids are lucky to have such good, caring parents". You know you've heard it. But as I was thinking of the girl I know who gave herself to a guy and my poor mixed up friend, I thought "No, my parents are lucky to have such a good kid as me". It's true. Every kid, college, high school and below, are having sex, doing drugs, drinking alcohol and getting into so much worse trouble. I see this every day. In almost every kid. I am not exaggeration in the least. I know I can try harder, any one always can, but my parents need a reality check. If they knew half of what I have to deal with every day (emotions, money, people, jobs, school...) and half of what I see every day, then they would be a lot different.
There is so much crap out there in the world, I cannot even begin to describe in a blog post. So I won't. Yes, my parents and I had a spat tonight...again. But I am trying to be mature about it, learn something, see it their way and get on with life. But after a horrid day, it's really hard. It really really is. I'm going to spend a bit of time with the Creator tonight and ask Him to comfort me. He's the only one who can handle to listen to me rant, scream and cry for hours. And so I will. I'm reading Hosea and it's proving to be a wonderful, yet slow, read. I am praying for wisdom and peace and may you find it as well. Good night.

Chapter 25: Ramblings of a Reptile

Alright, so I'm not a reptile, but I do have a migraine and I am super tired after this week. I worked every day this week (and tomorrow) at my 2nd job which requires me to be up at 6:30am at the latest and on my feet till 11:30am after which I  go to my other job to work. It's very tiring when you throw in finals and studying and trying to keep up with being in shape. There just don't seem to be enough hours in the day.
Any way, what I wanted this to be about mostly was something I discovered about my family. But I do have to mention that the people at my other job (the one that is always annoying) are being very rude and mean again. They keep saying that I have didn't give sufficient notice of needing to get off work early on Sunday. I guess a month in advance isn't sufficient. Who knew? So I got another talking to at work today and I don't know what to do any more. Mom gave me a big speech about how I need to quit that job and find something else that's not retail. Well, sorry, but someone with just a high school diploma can't do much these days. I need that job for the money. I have to save up for college. I'm 21 so I REALLY have to. But even I am beginning to wonder if the daily verbal, emotion and personal beatings are worth it. Yes, they bash me personally. "You're stupid", "You're such a know-it-all", "What a bitch", "You need to get to work" (while THEY are on facebook...) "You look stupid today", "Your music is dumb"..."Christians are stupid people". It never ends. All of these things I've said I remember because they have been said more than once and so I remember. But that's not the half of it.
But I don't want to talk them any more. So on to what I discovered about my family.
Families can be close or they can fight. It's always one or the other in real life. Sometimes they have fights (it's different then 'families who fight' meaning all the time). Why do families fight? I am sure that question has been asked over the course of millions of years. For my family, I have found the answer: We are too awkward around each other to do anything else. You want to know a secret about my family? One, there is no "I love you" exchanged between siblings. Only recently, and over facebook mind you, have my sister and started saying that to each other. Two, when we want to complain to each others faces but not quite to start a fight, we use sarcasm. Three, we cannot touch each other. We hate to sit by or snuggle with each other. Four, we hate showing appreciation, compliments or gratitude with one another.
That's the basics and it's the truth. We can't get comfy and beyond the "awkward" stage so we have to fight. We just do. We have to. I know it doesn't make sense to you, but if you are in the same situation, then you understand or you will now. Families shouldn't be awkward with each other. They should be like the fake families in the movies where the kids bond together against the bad guys and win and love each other. Oh, all that one, two, three stuff I mentioned is not just between siblings, it's parents too, except for the "I love yous", which parents are good at, but don't always mean. So yes, my family is too awkward to love and get along with each other. We need to overcome that though...and soon.
I wish I could just tell you my stories on here. Like the whole "when I was growing up..." kind of thing, but that must be reserved for the proper time...which has not seemed to have shown itself yet. I don't have much to tell. But that's why I'm trying this new exercise! I am forcing myself to find myself interesting by vlogging (not on the web though) and by posting on here AT LEAST once a week. I want to post a poem on here though later tomorrow if I can though. Meaning, if I remember.
I have my lab final tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about it though since I have a 77 in the class. Which sucks. I'm usually an A student, but clearly science is NOT my thing. I did some extra credit so I hope to get a B and up my sad GPA from last semester. This school has destroyed my GPA. I think Texas is destroying me, what with this horrid job, no friends, a disconnected spiritual life and a college that is killing my GPA (I know, jerks, it's not just the college). I'm not sure what to do, but that's where my warrior persona comes in; I will fight this fight and I will rise out of the rubble as the victor. So take that!