I just saw my mistake and realized I had no Chapter 13. Teehee! Oh, well!
Really I just wanted to come and talk to myself since I have no much new to report. Except for the @$$-faced jerk incident. I'm debating whether or not to post that conversation here or not. My sweet friend, on whom's facebook it took place was kind enough to delete it, but not before I copy and pasted it. I do that. To remember hurts done to me, I suppose. Silly, isn't it? Well, it was an awful exchange about censorship and plays that ended with him telling me "go and off" myself. It was ugly. It really hurt and I cried all night. I tried to find comfort in my friends, but the man I turned to said I was "letting" it hurt me...not what I wanted to hear at the time. So I got more upset and left the online world.
I felt a bit immature, but really I was hurting badly.
Speaking of not having people to talk to! I've decided to revel in my movies and TV shows again. I think I said something similar in my last post, but whatever! I watched Lost Boys last night and it was great. I really love that movie. And I chatted with...Luke...for a few minutes. It was okay. He was as distant and unresponsive as ever. He taught me so much about myself. So much that I will hold onto.
I quoted Europe today for my facebook status. I said "I've gone through changes, I've gone through pain. But that's not enough reason for me to go insane..." I love Rock the Night. Fun song! And that's how I feel right now. I have gone through so many changes and through SO much pain...but still...
So right now I should be doing my homework and studying...I have two tests on Tuesday. And I forgot that this Thursday was Thanksgiving. I should do something fun. For myself. That'd be good for me. Wonder what I should do. Teehee, I'm half excited now. I make myself excited more and more these days. I think that's because I spend so much time in my own head. Oh, well!
My best friend and her boyfriend are getting along well, I hear. I'm so happy for her. I get the feeling he's going to be in her life for quite some time so I'm denouncing my normal hostile attitudes toward him and just supporting her. I am jealous...of them both! I want someone to tell me I'm pretty and touch me. I long for touch.
Right! Off to study! Two tests tomorrow! Hahaha, Beat It just came on to my Pandora. Love it! I'm rockin' on! Happy? No. Rockin' it any way? YES!!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
If Only to Hold
So here is a new post only a day or two after my last one. Unfortunately, it's nothing big. Just something I jotted down this afternoon and wanted to share. I wanted it to rhyme AND be really dramatic, but that wasn't working. So I just went with rhyming. I may write another one about the same thing and make it have more feeling and no rhymes so that way my point comes across. Either way, please enjoy!
"If Only to Hold"
Take a moment with me please and close your eyes…
Unbury your darker emotions and let them rise…
Bid farewell to all light and joy with a kiss…
Now imagine with me, if you can, only this:
You long for his touch, his gentle caress,
If only you burned for far less.
To have him touch you and smell your hair,
To give you his love and undying care.
You want his eyes to see only your heart,
This beating, living thing that is falling apart.
You are on fire, your mind is burning,
You are drowning, your soul is yearning.
A word from him to you would calm the storm,
Release your wounds, your heart would warm.
As the rain falls and skies blacken to gray,
What price would you pay to have him for a day?
Would you take him and set him away in glass,
Or would put him in a frame made of blunt brass?
I know you better than that, my sweet wounded one,
Take him and love him until you come undone,
Make him your world, you would,
If only…if only you could…
What you want of him is simple and small,
Yet you cannot bring yourself to ask at all.
You know not what he would say,
And yet you go on and delay!
I see it now, you’d rather die,
This heart is breaking, desiring to fly.
A treasure like this is too much to ask,
Go on now, put on that shiny mask,
Hide away, leave his presence and flee,
Blind yourself so you can no longer see.
But still you yearn and burn for his affection,
You will never forget his perfect complexion.
Never forget how he made you mourn,
In your heart he ever planted a thorn.
Please, listen well,
Do not succumb to this torture hell,
The desire will not leave you like a dove,
This could mean ‘tis True Love…
"If Only to Hold"
Take a moment with me please and close your eyes…
Unbury your darker emotions and let them rise…
Bid farewell to all light and joy with a kiss…
Now imagine with me, if you can, only this:
You long for his touch, his gentle caress,
If only you burned for far less.
To have him touch you and smell your hair,
To give you his love and undying care.
You want his eyes to see only your heart,
This beating, living thing that is falling apart.
You are on fire, your mind is burning,
You are drowning, your soul is yearning.
A word from him to you would calm the storm,
Release your wounds, your heart would warm.
As the rain falls and skies blacken to gray,
What price would you pay to have him for a day?
Would you take him and set him away in glass,
Or would put him in a frame made of blunt brass?
I know you better than that, my sweet wounded one,
Take him and love him until you come undone,
Make him your world, you would,
If only…if only you could…
What you want of him is simple and small,
Yet you cannot bring yourself to ask at all.
You know not what he would say,
And yet you go on and delay!
I see it now, you’d rather die,
This heart is breaking, desiring to fly.
A treasure like this is too much to ask,
Go on now, put on that shiny mask,
Hide away, leave his presence and flee,
Blind yourself so you can no longer see.
But still you yearn and burn for his affection,
You will never forget his perfect complexion.
Never forget how he made you mourn,
In your heart he ever planted a thorn.
Please, listen well,
Do not succumb to this torture hell,
The desire will not leave you like a dove,
This could mean ‘tis True Love…
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Chapter 14: Life in the South in Short
The oranges on our trees in the back yard are bright yellow against the darkening green leaves and stand out like thousands of blazing suns in a dark galaxy. They remind me of how my life is. Dark and ever growing, with small spurts of brightness every step or so. Sometimes fewer times than that, but I am so joyous when those times come. However rare they are.
That is life in Texas. Down here in the South! It's getting colder now as does my outlook on life. I've mentioned Camp 4 in my other journals, so I fell I should fill you in...whoever you are. Camp 4 is what I called my pubescent years. Wink. I was 14 at the time...maybe younger. I was always angry, hated my parents, wanted to kill my siblings, had 2 or 3 friends and was just getting into the "dark child" phase. I'm still there, all gothed up, I just know what it means now. Any way, during this time in my life I was prone to spasms of horrid and terrible anger. Whenever an eruption occurred, I would stomp up to my room and stay there pouting for HOURS! I would write hate-poetry and even swear! So that's Camp 4. We've all been there. That's why we all relate to the angsty book character so well. Smile. You just need to know Camp 4 so that you can know this: I am not there right now. I know I'm not. I'm just going through some stuff. What am I going through you may ask? Well...that's why I write this, right? So I will can whine and complain and someday...be remembered. I hope.
So where am I then? I am in Texas, nearing the end of a semester I rushed into far too quickly, rouging it with two jobs, studying every day for hours, trying to get in exercise and, of course, my dancing. Doesn't sound so bad, does it? "Welcome to the real world!" everyone always says. Oh, trust me, I know the real world and I'm only half way there, so thanks for the mindless and rude welcome. But that doesn't stop what I'm going through being tough for me NOW.
Ok, so I'm not going to beat around the bush any more. I want to write about him. My White Butterfly. You will soon see that poem posted here! He is glorious and beautiful. Much better than that jerk I thought I was in love with. Enough said. Someday I may feel the need to explain myself further, but it will just horrify you. Trust me when I say this though, I have learned so much through that wretched relationship. And I thank God almost everyday that it is over.
So about this Butterfly. I've been seeing him in school every Tuesday and Thursday for a brief 5 minutes at the most. Most of that time though, is me gazing at him from a far. Yes, we have spoken and one time Anna and I did hang out with him and his friends for an hour at a Chinese restaurant, but that's it. I did sit next to him in church once and walk him out to his car, but that is it. For the whole semester. I talk to his best friend more often, but that's because I feel better doing that. You know what I mean. But this Butterfly is perfect in every way the other guy wans't. This Butterfly even dances! I pray about him often, but not often enough I fear...
I have been distant to the Great Spirit. And I know He wants me back so badly. I need to get in touch with Him again before the semester is out. Oh! And my vow is over. I made a vow when I was 18 to stay single until I was 21. Thank the stars I didn't ever really go out with the jerk! So now I want to see what He does about the Butterfly now that I am single AND my vow is over.
I am afraid I must end here for today. Constantine calls me! I will write sooner and more often though. Now that I have time. Sort of. Smile!
That is life in Texas. Down here in the South! It's getting colder now as does my outlook on life. I've mentioned Camp 4 in my other journals, so I fell I should fill you in...whoever you are. Camp 4 is what I called my pubescent years. Wink. I was 14 at the time...maybe younger. I was always angry, hated my parents, wanted to kill my siblings, had 2 or 3 friends and was just getting into the "dark child" phase. I'm still there, all gothed up, I just know what it means now. Any way, during this time in my life I was prone to spasms of horrid and terrible anger. Whenever an eruption occurred, I would stomp up to my room and stay there pouting for HOURS! I would write hate-poetry and even swear! So that's Camp 4. We've all been there. That's why we all relate to the angsty book character so well. Smile. You just need to know Camp 4 so that you can know this: I am not there right now. I know I'm not. I'm just going through some stuff. What am I going through you may ask? Well...that's why I write this, right? So I will can whine and complain and someday...be remembered. I hope.
So where am I then? I am in Texas, nearing the end of a semester I rushed into far too quickly, rouging it with two jobs, studying every day for hours, trying to get in exercise and, of course, my dancing. Doesn't sound so bad, does it? "Welcome to the real world!" everyone always says. Oh, trust me, I know the real world and I'm only half way there, so thanks for the mindless and rude welcome. But that doesn't stop what I'm going through being tough for me NOW.
Ok, so I'm not going to beat around the bush any more. I want to write about him. My White Butterfly. You will soon see that poem posted here! He is glorious and beautiful. Much better than that jerk I thought I was in love with. Enough said. Someday I may feel the need to explain myself further, but it will just horrify you. Trust me when I say this though, I have learned so much through that wretched relationship. And I thank God almost everyday that it is over.
So about this Butterfly. I've been seeing him in school every Tuesday and Thursday for a brief 5 minutes at the most. Most of that time though, is me gazing at him from a far. Yes, we have spoken and one time Anna and I did hang out with him and his friends for an hour at a Chinese restaurant, but that's it. I did sit next to him in church once and walk him out to his car, but that is it. For the whole semester. I talk to his best friend more often, but that's because I feel better doing that. You know what I mean. But this Butterfly is perfect in every way the other guy wans't. This Butterfly even dances! I pray about him often, but not often enough I fear...
I have been distant to the Great Spirit. And I know He wants me back so badly. I need to get in touch with Him again before the semester is out. Oh! And my vow is over. I made a vow when I was 18 to stay single until I was 21. Thank the stars I didn't ever really go out with the jerk! So now I want to see what He does about the Butterfly now that I am single AND my vow is over.
I am afraid I must end here for today. Constantine calls me! I will write sooner and more often though. Now that I have time. Sort of. Smile!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
A Poem
I wrote this about the man I love and do not wish to post it on something so public as my facebook. But I want it up and I want it read. Please enjoy it's melancholy lines.
Words written in red living ink never fade,
Never forgotten.
Feelings that creep in are paralyzing and dark,
They are fatal.
Sitting so far away and watching the live ones,
I see them move.
I wait and watch, too much time on my hands,
Mind going insane.
All I can do is lay down and wish that were me,
Living with others.
Seeing them glow and play I scream to go too,
But my place is here.
I cannot leave, must only watch, be the one
The gods cursed.
The worst torture is him, the one I love with fire,
He is free to live.
But he is mine, I want him all for myself and short nights,
Of sweet words.
He comes to my window and whispers in my ear,
But that is all.
No touch does he give, no caress of love does he offer,
He is there but gone.
With promises of love and rescue on his lips he goes,
Into the world.
By his side a woman I do not know, but no affection,
Still I have to wonder.
What happened to the promises of loyalty and love?
He has forgotten me.
I watch them go, he waved again at me telling with his eyes,
He will be back for me.
My foolish heart aches as I scream and wale at the moon,
Days passing in grief.
Then when the sun rises, I see him there on the hill,
He comes to me.
He says sweet words and give promises of love,
He loves not the other woman.
Again he leaves, only this time with his band of men,
And promises me love.
I wait again for days and nights, wringing my hands,
I want my love.
In the dark of the night and by the light of the moon,
He comes.
Words of love, vows of loyalty and once again,
He is gone.
Alas, foolish heart cannot let him go, hope stays,
In this heart and so I wait day, by day, by day.
Words written in red living ink never fade,
Never forgotten.
Feelings that creep in are paralyzing and dark,
They are fatal.
Sitting so far away and watching the live ones,
I see them move.
I wait and watch, too much time on my hands,
Mind going insane.
All I can do is lay down and wish that were me,
Living with others.
Seeing them glow and play I scream to go too,
But my place is here.
I cannot leave, must only watch, be the one
The gods cursed.
The worst torture is him, the one I love with fire,
He is free to live.
But he is mine, I want him all for myself and short nights,
Of sweet words.
He comes to my window and whispers in my ear,
But that is all.
No touch does he give, no caress of love does he offer,
He is there but gone.
With promises of love and rescue on his lips he goes,
Into the world.
By his side a woman I do not know, but no affection,
Still I have to wonder.
What happened to the promises of loyalty and love?
He has forgotten me.
I watch them go, he waved again at me telling with his eyes,
He will be back for me.
My foolish heart aches as I scream and wale at the moon,
Days passing in grief.
Then when the sun rises, I see him there on the hill,
He comes to me.
He says sweet words and give promises of love,
He loves not the other woman.
Again he leaves, only this time with his band of men,
And promises me love.
I wait again for days and nights, wringing my hands,
I want my love.
In the dark of the night and by the light of the moon,
He comes.
Words of love, vows of loyalty and once again,
He is gone.
Alas, foolish heart cannot let him go, hope stays,
In this heart and so I wait day, by day, by day.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Chapter 12: Falling Up
Life goes on, as the saying goes and I know this very well now. Not that my life is horrible right now because it’s not. Far from it. I just have things on my mind. Things that are always on my mind with intense pressure.
What about this guy that I like? It’s not just ‘like’ any more. But my parents know nothing of it. They know I know the guy and that I worked with him for a year. They know so little. I think maybe that’s why they don’t trust me. I have done nothing to lose their trust, but they do not know me and I think that is why they do not trust me. So they will not trust me about guys either. But what do I know about this guy? Nearly everything except one thing that I have to know: What is his relationship with God? I asked him last night if he ever prayed and he said yes. In a note to me earlier he said he knows God has a plan. It sounds like he trusts God, but how far does that have an impact on his life? I need a man who will push me to love God and support me when I say “it’s a God thing”. I need a man to lead me in our relationship with God.
I want to talk to him about all off this, but I want to wait and do it until we are face to face, which may be a while because he lives back in Kansas. And I am here in Texas. Far, far away.
After the conversation we had last night, I am sure he loves me and I love him. We just haven’t said it yet. We have said everything you can say without using those three words though. He asked me out on a date. Yes, while we are hundreds of miles apart, he asked me on a date. I said, yes, but that I had to tell my parents. I’m hoping (though I know it will never happen) that they will say, “well, have him talk to us and then we’ll see” because I know he can do it. But what is really going to happen is this:
MOM: Who is he?
ME: A guy I worked with at the writing center.
MOM: Is he a Christian?
ME: He was raised catholic, but we’ve talked about God a little. I want to more when we see each other.
MOM: No way! Are you stupid? Your father is going to kill you!
And that’s when I die…
I am going to pray like mad about it! I want this to work out. More than anything, I want this to work out. I feel as though God has set this up for me. I don’t know why, but I do. So there are my concerns and fears. My hope is that he and I see each other and can get to talk and know each other better. That’s what dating is, right? You don’t date a guy because you “know” he is “the one”. You cannot possibly know that. So that’s what I want to do. All my brothers did. And I will too. I want to do something based on my own decision. Because of all this emotion, I’m falling apart little by little. But with God and him in the mix, I’m elevated and flying to the heights. I’m falling up…
What about this guy that I like? It’s not just ‘like’ any more. But my parents know nothing of it. They know I know the guy and that I worked with him for a year. They know so little. I think maybe that’s why they don’t trust me. I have done nothing to lose their trust, but they do not know me and I think that is why they do not trust me. So they will not trust me about guys either. But what do I know about this guy? Nearly everything except one thing that I have to know: What is his relationship with God? I asked him last night if he ever prayed and he said yes. In a note to me earlier he said he knows God has a plan. It sounds like he trusts God, but how far does that have an impact on his life? I need a man who will push me to love God and support me when I say “it’s a God thing”. I need a man to lead me in our relationship with God.
I want to talk to him about all off this, but I want to wait and do it until we are face to face, which may be a while because he lives back in Kansas. And I am here in Texas. Far, far away.
After the conversation we had last night, I am sure he loves me and I love him. We just haven’t said it yet. We have said everything you can say without using those three words though. He asked me out on a date. Yes, while we are hundreds of miles apart, he asked me on a date. I said, yes, but that I had to tell my parents. I’m hoping (though I know it will never happen) that they will say, “well, have him talk to us and then we’ll see” because I know he can do it. But what is really going to happen is this:
MOM: Who is he?
ME: A guy I worked with at the writing center.
MOM: Is he a Christian?
ME: He was raised catholic, but we’ve talked about God a little. I want to more when we see each other.
MOM: No way! Are you stupid? Your father is going to kill you!
And that’s when I die…
I am going to pray like mad about it! I want this to work out. More than anything, I want this to work out. I feel as though God has set this up for me. I don’t know why, but I do. So there are my concerns and fears. My hope is that he and I see each other and can get to talk and know each other better. That’s what dating is, right? You don’t date a guy because you “know” he is “the one”. You cannot possibly know that. So that’s what I want to do. All my brothers did. And I will too. I want to do something based on my own decision. Because of all this emotion, I’m falling apart little by little. But with God and him in the mix, I’m elevated and flying to the heights. I’m falling up…
Monday, July 12, 2010
Chapter 11: A Long Expected Disapointment
I’m sorry this is not the long, catch-up chapter I promised, but it’s what’s on my mind and that’s what matters.
My journey to womanhood continues to not be what I expected or wanted. Just now, my mother called me immature and said I needed to grow up. This came about because I was upset about not being able to play Xbox live with my best guy friends. The kids have always hogged the xbox and made it near impossible for me to ever got on and play. I have yet to play with my friends and I wanted to tomorrow at 2 when they are both off work. That’s the problem is that we have to coordinate schedules.
I told the children that at 2 pm tomorrow I was going to get on and play with my friends. They explode into “you can’t do that” and “ you can’t just take over” and other various yellings.
I got mildly angry at them, shouted just once then left it alone. I went to talk to mom about it and got hardly emotional. I am trying to be honest here. She gets angry at me for that and says I need to grow up…and stop trying to be a “big person around here.” Oh, my dear mother! Is that not a contradiction?
She is impossible to live with. She wants me to be one thing, so long as she can still squish me underneath her. I am not allowed to really be what she wants. Because in reality, what she wants is for me to be submissive, quiet and obedient.
I’m sorry, but that is not going to happen.
I will not go quietly.
I will not be trod upon.
I am a woman.
I will be 21 years old in less than 5 months and I will then be an adult. I have to make money to get out of this house, with respect. I do not want to run, I want to leave in silence and be gone. Only then, when I am free from “her house” as she constantly reminds me, will I be a woman. So this blog is not how I thought it would be. It is still my journey to woman hood and I plan on writing more often now. Maybe even another entry today. I am still on my journey, I just now see where it may end. Obviously, my belief is that one never stops growing and learning, but to be the first level of woman is to be free. Be independent. Not stupid and crazy and superficial…independent. Free to make the right choices.
This will be all for now. Thank you if you have been reading I will write more now that I am backon my path.
My journey to womanhood continues to not be what I expected or wanted. Just now, my mother called me immature and said I needed to grow up. This came about because I was upset about not being able to play Xbox live with my best guy friends. The kids have always hogged the xbox and made it near impossible for me to ever got on and play. I have yet to play with my friends and I wanted to tomorrow at 2 when they are both off work. That’s the problem is that we have to coordinate schedules.
I told the children that at 2 pm tomorrow I was going to get on and play with my friends. They explode into “you can’t do that” and “ you can’t just take over” and other various yellings.
I got mildly angry at them, shouted just once then left it alone. I went to talk to mom about it and got hardly emotional. I am trying to be honest here. She gets angry at me for that and says I need to grow up…and stop trying to be a “big person around here.” Oh, my dear mother! Is that not a contradiction?
She is impossible to live with. She wants me to be one thing, so long as she can still squish me underneath her. I am not allowed to really be what she wants. Because in reality, what she wants is for me to be submissive, quiet and obedient.
I’m sorry, but that is not going to happen.
I will not go quietly.
I will not be trod upon.
I am a woman.
I will be 21 years old in less than 5 months and I will then be an adult. I have to make money to get out of this house, with respect. I do not want to run, I want to leave in silence and be gone. Only then, when I am free from “her house” as she constantly reminds me, will I be a woman. So this blog is not how I thought it would be. It is still my journey to woman hood and I plan on writing more often now. Maybe even another entry today. I am still on my journey, I just now see where it may end. Obviously, my belief is that one never stops growing and learning, but to be the first level of woman is to be free. Be independent. Not stupid and crazy and superficial…independent. Free to make the right choices.
This will be all for now. Thank you if you have been reading I will write more now that I am backon my path.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Chapter 10: Late and moving on
This will be short, and I am sorry for the long laps. If I had any readers they have long ago died of old age, no doubt. I'm sorry.
We are moving to Texas in a few days...more like two weeks. I will be workong on a mast post while at home (no internet there) to post in a series to catch you all up. It will be long, depsressing and angry no doubt as well. For a time I lost sight of my gaol: To become a beautiful strong woman, but then I thought about how long it's been since I updated this and that caught me back onto my journey. I am about to take another journey over space and earth now and I look forward to that. I am changed more now than I was even two months ago and I cannot wait to share it. Yes, the typos and grammer in this post are horrid, but that's because I have a only a few moments within to comunicate this.
So I am much changed and I will write all about it over the next few days as journal entries and then share them with you. I have so much to say, so much has happened. Please pray for me and my travels and my kumpania as I go about my journeis. Thank you!
We are moving to Texas in a few days...more like two weeks. I will be workong on a mast post while at home (no internet there) to post in a series to catch you all up. It will be long, depsressing and angry no doubt as well. For a time I lost sight of my gaol: To become a beautiful strong woman, but then I thought about how long it's been since I updated this and that caught me back onto my journey. I am about to take another journey over space and earth now and I look forward to that. I am changed more now than I was even two months ago and I cannot wait to share it. Yes, the typos and grammer in this post are horrid, but that's because I have a only a few moments within to comunicate this.
So I am much changed and I will write all about it over the next few days as journal entries and then share them with you. I have so much to say, so much has happened. Please pray for me and my travels and my kumpania as I go about my journeis. Thank you!
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